Ryan's Life

Last Friday I did this and I just feel there is still some of you out there that have something u want 2 get off your chest. I know I did last week and also this week. Of course you can leave your comment anonymous and I know there were a couple of you out there that said nothing is anonymous and you might be right about that but who has that much time on there hand 2 track down ip address. You know how much work is in that yeah pen pointing a state or city is easy but getting right down 2 the street and all 2 much work and honest I can't sit in front of a puter that long. Besides this is just 2 help people that might be carrying something around and if they get it out there they might feel better. Thanks for a good week from ya'll emails comments and all the support sure helps more than u know! Kisses 2 Ya'll Have a awesome weekend!

Later from Atlanta!

This is Jesse McCartney new song and video those that know me know I have always had this thing for Jesse and wow this video is hot!!! So grown up nice!

Sometimes you can't find the words 2 say how you are feeling inside and then u hear a song that explains it best. I know some of you will get what I am trying 2 say with this song and some of u won't. For those tha don't please just give me some more time and I will explain it all. Time is what I need right now. Oh I shouldn't went out this past weekend with all the bad shit that happen my chest cold came back and I have been feelin ill all day that is why the late post. I went 2 the doctor and he put me on some meds hope 2 knock it out before it ends up with another hospital stay. Anyway here is the song that explains things 2 me.

Later from Atlanta!


You think I’m always makin’
Something out of nothin’
You’re sayin’ everything’s okay
You’ve always got an answer
Before I ask the question
Whatever you say

Now we can change the subject
Pretend I never brought it up
Same old story anyway
Later we can work it out
Right now you’re talked out
Yeah, whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But I’m not sure you’re listening
I hear what you’re sayin’
But there’s something missin’
Whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

You say yes you need me
And no you wouldn’t leave me
And that should be enough to make me stay
And even though I want to
I don’t hear I love you
In whatever you say

Oh I know you can hear me
But I’m not sure you’re listening
I hear what you’re sayin’
But there’s something missin’
Whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say

Oh whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say
Whatever you say
Whatever you say

written by tony martin/ed hill
sung by Martina McBride

I really don't want 2 talk about what happen over the weekend. It seems like drama is following me around and I am sick and tired of it. So I am gonna make this a new day for me and this week I am blocking all drama out. One drama free week is what's on order for me. There are things I am gonna talk about and some things I will not so please forgive me if I leave u hanging on some things. Maybe u can just shoot me and email and I will answer it that way instead of blogging about it. I will be staying here in Atlanta for a little longer I know that for sure where I go from here I am not sure only time will tell. Maybe in time I can talk about this past weekend and what happen just now so much going on with what happen I can't. I am helping my with doing people's taxes since she closed down here company with the loss of houses selling she took up doing taxes this season so I been helping with that it's been kinda fun in a way. I miss working at the hospital more I think and I think I want 2 get back into that and helping people with there rehab I was good at it. I will try will hard with having more positives post on here these other post I looked over and they were downers. I guess like I said before u have any personal question email me and if your someone I been talking with and I trust ya I will give u the answer just give me time if u send and email seems like I been getting a lot lately not that I'm not happy with that just takes me a while 2 answer back but I do every email I get I write back that's just me.

Later from Atlanta!

All my life I trust people they tell me that there my friends and then I find out the truth! Sometimes I think living at home with my parents is the safest place for someone like me. I trust people 2 much and they just turn around and hurt me. Sometimes I think people just don't know how 2 be friends. No matter how mad I get at a friend I would never hit them. Friends yeah right!
Later!

I am gonna take a couple days off from blogging I have a couple friends came into town so I'm gonna hang with them try 2 put all the other crap behind me. More than likely just take a break from it ya know? Anyway I want 2 wish all my blogging friends a Happy and Safe Easter and I want 2 see all of you back here on Tuesday!

Later from Peachtree City!

I got an email from a fan I am not gonna say there name coz they gave me an idea for a post and I kinda like the idea. The idea is deep dark secret how it works is maybe you have something on your chest u want 2 tell but u cant tell maybe somebody u see everyday so what were gonna do is tell it here. Now you don't have 2 leave your name leave your comment anonymous maybe it will help get some kind of stress off you maybe it will make your weekend. Whatever the case if you have a deep dark secret you want 2 tell them tell it! I have one and I will be commenting but I will be doing it anonymous so come on spill lets here what your hiding!
Later from Georgia!

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Cheryl from Rubenstein ask me to post this!

Wow is all I can say last night before I went 2 bed I checked my email and it was running over with emails. I got emails from people that were first timers. I was totally shocked and over come with joy. I find it hard how I can come 2 affect some many but it does make me feel so very good. I promise you this I will answer each and every email just give me time but I will write u back that I promise. Yesterday I seen a shrink he came 2 the house and will for are visits he said that's the way he does it he said. He changed my meds he didn't think the old ones were helping and honest even tho I only been on it since yesterday I do feel a little better and last night I finally got some sleep and didn't wake up in the middle of the night and wonder out the house. Last night is the first night I didn't hear any voices and this makes me happy. I don't know if I ever said it out loud on this blog so if I haven't I will now I Love My Baby Brother! He has been so concern and trying 2 stay every waking second with me. Last night he crawl up in bed with me and said I'm sleeping with you tonight! I told him don't you think your getting a little old 2 be sleeping with your big bro (he's 15 for those that don't know) He said never and then he tied this string around his ankle and then around mine said if you get up in the night I will know. He told me Ry I couldn't handle if something bad happen 2 you I love you and need you in my life. Yes I know I cried last night when he said and I am cryin now thinking about it. I think I am doing better today!

A little on American Idol can anybody beat David Archuleta really? Besides being able 2 sing he is so cute! Damn he won't be 18 until December so I can only dream! What a dream huh? Last Night I wasn't sad 2 see the rocker girl go honest she was getting on my nerve.



Later from Peachtree City!

I wish I could explain what puts me in this whatever you call it. I been seeing my shrink a couple times a day. Why is it a part of me knows something anit right but still I hear the voices sometimes and that damn cellar door. I don't know Mom told my doctor about my blog she wants the link she want's 2 read my thoughts I told her I would think about it. It's bad enough I have her in my head all the time now she want's in my thoughts I write here also. Next thing ya know she gonna be trying 2 seduce me or something. I'll think about giving her the link but right now no. I haven't talk 2 Mikey he left here Monday confused if u ask me. I know Mom gave him a check for my half of everything it's only fair. Maybe when I get thru this we can work on things ya know maybe it won't hurt us 2 be alone 4 a while everybody needs some space besides he needs time 2 think if he wants 2 have a bipolar manic depressive boyfriend. I think I should stop posting hell all I am gonna do is bring ya'll down also. Mom thinks ya'll are good for me she keeps telling me 2 post that u give me good advice and makes me smile and it's true. God I hate this!

I see this cellar door and a voice tells me 2 open go inside all my troubles will be gone. I am scared to open the door but I am scared not too. They give me med's 2 make me better but sometimes they don't work. They told my parents I have things messed up in my head maybe from being born 2 soon lack of oxygen or some shit like that. I have Mikey but I se in his eyes he has doubts I scare him sometimes I know this. When I talk about the cellar door it freaks him out. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in my own head I know it's not right I think. Sometimes I feel someone else is in there I don't know it all just come's together sometimes. I know this won't make any since 2 you but somehow it doe's 2 me. That cellar door scares the fucking shit out of me and I don't know if I should open it.

I just wanted 2 give a quick update about the tornados that rip thru Atlanta. We got hit with something out here where we live. It hit us before it hit downtown Atlanta. We just got our power back on and I had a ton of emails askin how we were. I will answer them all when I get a chance I just wanted 2 post here so yall know were ok. We have damage on our property and some 2 the house Mikey's truck got some damage also and mine 2 and it was in the barn but the door blew in on it. I will have some pics im sure when I get a chance just wanted 2 let ya'll know again we are ok. Thanks so much for the emails and concern.

Later from a shocked Atlanta area!

Be a roller coaster ride this week all kinds of freaken drama going on. Sorry I haven't been up 2 posting like I normally do just haven't been in this mood this week. On my health it is takin longer than we thought getting my cell count back up 2 where they think it should be. They think it might be from stress in my life. You think Doc wonder whatever gave you that idea? Anyway I am gonna make this short but just wanted 2 say have a awesome weekend be safe and thanx so much for being a great friends. Means the world 2 me believe that!

Hugs and Kisses!

Later from Atlanta!

Just as I was starting to feel better about myself again my Mom got a phone call from school and Corey was in a fight and she needed to go pick him up. Of course I had 2 go myself see what this was all about. Of course it's coz someone found out about his past. This also goes into me doing them post about porn and putting naked pics up. They will come back and bite u in the ass someday I am living proof of that and now Corey is also. Corey is ok he wasn't hurt that boy is a tuff ass and can handle his own but he was suspended for 3 days for fighting and the other boy was suspended for 5 coz of fighting and also for harassment. I don't get that Corey was just defending himself but still gets suspended. I mean I kinda understand just think its bullshit. I had a nice talk with Corey I just didn't want him 2 get feeling down just coz some ass decided 2 tell people about Corey's past but Corey is strong headed and he told me he wasn't gonna let some hater stop him from making something of himself. I just love that boy I am so proud of him even though I am not much older than him I feel like since he found me and Mikey in Florida he is like our kid. I know it sounds dumb but I just feel that way.

Later from Atlanta!

The pines trees grow so tall in the bright sunshine
Young boy steals his daddy's fishing line
Alligator lays on the banks of the river bed
And if you did not know any better you'd swear he's dead.

Now these are a few things I'm in love with
A small part of the reasons I go back
To Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, gorgeous Georgia
Now if you think I'm happy down there your on the right track.


Later from Atlanta!

Everybody knows that one of the joys I get out of life is nascar. I went to school with a boy that all he did on the weekends was race even though I didn't know him well back then I knew what he did and I would follow him 2 races. I beg my Dad on weekends 2 take me 2 different tracks though out the south where he was racing so I could follow him. My Dad thought it was cool I guess I was being a boy. When he finally made it big we ran into each other and we become friends. I was on the swim team back then and he wanted me 2 teach him how 2 be a fast swimmer I guess racing even in swimming was in his blood. I didn't know back then he follow me in swimming and was even at some of the swim meets. It was cool we had so much in common besides racing. I don't get 2 see him as much as I would like unless I go 2 a nascar event. So ya'll know I go as much as I can.

This past weekend is no different even though I know it wasn't the smartest thing 2 do being I just got out of the hospital but I wanted 2 go anyway. We went Saturday and watch the race and hung out with my friend had a great time even though he didn't race in the Saturday race. We came home right after so Mom wouldn't worry. Sunday we went back 2 the race for the big race. For those that watched it can understand when I say the race sucked but that's another post. We walked around meet some drivers and had a great time. The race started and like I said it sucked. After the race I told my friend we had 2 get going coz Mikey has 2 head back for work and school. He told me he would call me today and we would hang out before he leaves for Bristol. We were headed 2 our car when I heard from behind me hey faggot what are you doing here? I turn around and there was a group of guys I went 2 school with walking behind us.

There was five of them I told Mikey just forget it let's not get into a fight here. Besides there was 5 of them. Mikey wasn't happy but he bit his lip not 2 say something back. But they kept up calling me names and I knew Mikey was getting pissed. These boys were the same group I had troubles with in school and I knew they would fight I had been jump by them before. I told Mikey please don't say anything were out numbered. They kept up calling us fags, queers, cocksuckers you know the type. Finally I seen a police man standing there watching the crowd. I told Mikey lets walk up 2 him. So we did I told him that group of boys are harassing us and could he help? He ask what was going on and I told him they were calling us names and that I have trouble with them in the past were they ended up jumping me. I told him I was gay and they hated me. I ask him if he could walk us 2 our car or call someone who could. I also told him my Dad was an agent and I could get someone 2 help if he couldn't. He said I am here 2 protect and serve I will see you get 2 your car safe.

He walk us 2 our car and I told him thanx so much. He said them boys are just scared. I said scared from what? He said scare of the unknown. He said they are feared from the unknown and have stupidity from there upbringing. Maybe he is right I don't know all I know is if they had a chance they would have jumped us. It's a shame when one of the things I love the most gets tainted like that. In my home state in my own backyard. I am not sure I will ever go back 2 that track and I know Mikey was upset coz he knows them boys hurt me and he couldn't do anything 2 stop them. It just sucks that after all this time people still have 2 pick on other people just coz were different. I just want 2 say a special thanx 2 the Atlanta police officer that help us. Well I'm safe now I am in my room just it makes me so damn sad.

Confused in Atlanta!

Ok I know what ya'll are think and your right but I couldn't say no. Mom is pissed and Mikey he didn't want 2 go but I made him. We went out this morning and came home after and going tomorrow 2 watch the big race and home right after. I know I shouldn't but dammit it's right in my back yard how could I miss it. But it snowed this morning how crazy is that? Anyway cuddle time with Mikey.

Love 2 Ya'll
Later from Atlanta!

Last week I did a post on porn and the bad side of it coz of this friend who is doing it on xtube and thinking he gonna make it big in the business. I was trying 2 point out the bad in it and when u get older and what happens. I don't think I got thru 2 him but it's his life and he will learn the hard lesson I guess. Just having a big cock don't mean your gonna make it and if u do this and if this things like below could happen. Now I am not sayin that it happens 2 all porn stars but really what I have read when the youth goes away and the fans and the money stops and all u have left is a used up big cock. Thanks to CNN/Crime (the old court tv) for there help on this. Really people think about this before u get into this business is it worth it? I can think of a lots of things 2 do with a big cock you could tease people with it show it off 2 friends trust or hell just play with it u sure don't have 2 sell it. Just think about it b4 u do it ok!

In May 2007, former gay porn actor Dandy David Wiles, aka Tommy Saxx, was charged with using the credit cards of a man who died at the Texas emergency room where he worked. Police say Wiles stole a driver's license, Social Security card, gasoline card and American Express card from Don Armstrong, then purchased a $2,435 notebook computer and a $1,493 television. He now faces charges of credit card abuse and fraudulent use of or possession of identifying information. Police say Timothy Boham, a gay porn actor, shot and killed a former employee during a botched robbery. Boham , who told police he needed money because his girlfriend was pregnant, entered John "J.P." Kelso's home and sat on the couch for more than an hour, deciding whether to kill him. The safe that Boham planned to rob only contained a few pieces of jewelry. He was arrested near the U.S.- Mexico border after police say he confessed to his mother and sister. Boham's lawyers asked to postpone hearings in May so they could decide whether to use an insanity plea.Two gay porn actors were charged with murdering rival porn executive Bryan Kocis in an alleged scheme to work with 'Every Poolboy's Dream' actor Sean Lockhart known in the adult entertainment industry as Brent Corrigan. Police believe Harlow Cuadra and Joseph Kerekes tricked Kocis into meeting with them on Jan. 24, 2007, then slashed Kocis' throat, stabbed him 28 times and burned his body and home to conceal the crime. Cuadra and Kocis were extradited to Pennsylvania on July 17, 2007, and will face trial in a Luzerne County court.

Later from Atlanta!

When I smile deep inside I wanna frown
when I laugh deep inside I wanna cry
when you look into my eyes
You think every thing is alright
But deep inside
I wanna die
maybe one day
I won’t feel like this
till then I’ll be happy in the outside
and crying in the inside


Nothing more today.
Later from Atlanta!

What to talk about today hmmm let's see....... Hillary pulled it out last night I bet she is happy today. Personally I think her and Obama are hurting there party. The way I see it as long as there fighting each other for the nod McCain has his nod and go forward and sit back and pick them both apart and really don't have 2 do the work coz Clinton and Obama are gonna bad mouth each other and McCain can just sit back and wait 4 them 2 say the bad things and then he can use it. I just don't like what I am seeing with Clinton or Obama right now and hope it don't hurt us in November.

Speaking on politics my governor of the wonderful state of Georgia Sonny Perdue hasn't officially back McCain yet but is planning to headline a fundraiser for him I see. I wont even get started on Sonny coz I think he was a bad choice for Georgia Governor I just don't care for him. He is a republican maybe that has some 2 do with it haha. One thing he was a part of that pissed me off was changing the flag of Georgia. Now I know when people see a confederate flag they think the flag stands for hate. That's coz of the skin heads and nazi jerks that took the flag and tried 2 make it there own. Well I love history and have read all I could on this and I am hear 2 tell u there were many black confederate soldiers that fought for that flag and died for that flag. Now I am not saying that the war was right coz I don't believe that but it's apart of our American history and I think we should honor those who fought and gave there lives for what they believe in. So taken the Georgia flag and changing it pisses me off I's sorry but that's my feeling on that.

Old State Flag
New State Flag

I guess that's enough of me bitichin and talkin about politics for one day. What's your thoughts on Hillary or Obama love 2 hear them. Oh I am going 2 the doctor today wish me luck my white cell count is up!

Later from Atlanta.

Here I thought yesterday was gonna be a blue and boring day. I was up in my room sleeping when Mom called up and ask me if I could come down. I was like yeah sure give me a few seconds. I went down and Mom was sitting there with her best friend and said Sally would like 2 talk 2 u. I am like oh wtf have I done? Mom seen the look on my face and said don't worry u haven't done anything wrong but she has a problem and she thinks u can help. I am like ooook. Sally started talking really more rambling and I am tryin 2 keep up I have no idea what this women is saying I look over at Mom confused and Mom finally said Sally found some tissues and a towel and last night she peek into Jeremy's room and she said she seen him masturbating. Ok I am about 2 lose it right I am like what does this have 2 do with me I didn't show him how! Sally is like I know Ryan but I was wonderin if u could talk 2 him about it? I am like maybe Dad would be better for this job and Mom is like your Dad is away on assignment. DAMN DAMN DAMN!

I am like what would u like me 2 say 2 Jeremy. His Mom said well I know its a normally thing but since he anit got no male role model he needs 2 know about sex and playin with it and such. Tell him what your Dad told u about sex and playin with it. I am thinkin ok my Parents told me it was mine play with it as much as I want and Mom was like and make sure u use only one towel! I said ok I'll talk with him. She brought him over last night so I took him into town for some ice cream a good ice breaker huh? Anyway I said Jer your Mom wanted me 2 talk 2 u about the birds and bees are you ok with this? He said sure I have some questions anyway. I am like wow a bold little boy so I told him what I knew and I told him about jackin off and he told me he does that a lot and likes the feeling. I am like damn what is with thses kids now a days just so open. I told him it was ok 2 jack off but Moms don't like to find the towels and tissues and make sure he locks his door when he does it.

Good Gosh I feel so like my Dad!
Later from Atlanta!

This is like days of old when Mikey use 2 come down and visit me. I use to hate when Monday's came around that would me I was alone again. Mikey had 2 go back home 4 work and school and here I am again stuck in Atlanta. Only good thing is he coming back this coming weekend for the race. If things go well this week with me and the doctors I will going back with him. The race I am already getting heat from my Parents thinking I shouldn't go with the flu running wild thru the Nascar drivers and crews. I know I am thinkin hard about it and my buddy in Nascar is sick right now I talk 2 him last night and he said it might not be a good idea either with me just getting over it. I know there all right but I will see how this week goes. If nothing else I want Mikey 2 go coz he don't get 2 go as much as I do but he said if I didn't go he didn't want 2 go. I just don't think that's far he shouldn't miss out just coz I can't go. Guess we will just wait and see. Well that's it for today I am kinda got the blues today so I am just gonna go 4 now.

Later from Atlanta!

Just a quick update yesterdays post was not about Corey. I used him as an example I ask him if I could and he agree if it would help someone else. Corey has not and will not go back 2 the life he had before. He has taken a hold of the chance he was giving and he is running with it. He chooses not 2 look back on his life and what he has done but he said he would never forget. I just wanted ya'll 2 know I was not coming down on Corey or anybody that does porn all I was sayin was make damn sure what your doing before u d it that's all. I just don't think it's all crack up to be what people think it is.

Ok Mikey is here 4 the weekend and I am gonna enjoy him.
Later from Atlanta!