Before I start writing this I need to say Ryan knows about it and said he didn't mind to go ahead. He did want me to make one thing clear. He's not looking for pity from anybody. He's got issues just like me or anyone else. He's a strong guy and he'll work through them just fine.

I have issues myself,the two posts I made Knowing Yourself and Once Upon a Time being just one of them. I have since deleted them Ryan doesn't need to be reminded of them everytime he comes to my blog. I feel like I think of myself to much when it comes to wanting something. I don't know why I just do. Well I was feeling like that the other nite and made those two posts. Ryan asked me what they were about and I couldn't really explain it. Who am I kidding I could have explained it I just keep things bottled up inside of me and don't. I know that comes from not having anyone to talk to when I was growing up. I got someone now though my best friend who is also the person I am in love with and plan to marry someday so I need to start opening up to him more. Anyway I didn't explain the posts to him and him being the big tenderhearted guy he is took them as me being mad at him. I need to explain something Ryan has had friends in the past who have not stood by him and just up and left him when he needed them most. So he's very sensitive and afraid of loosing people who he's close to. So he thought I was mad at him and he was gonna lose me so he did something he told me about yesterday that scared me to death. At 3 o clock in the morning his dogs woke his mom up barking and going crazy. So she went looking for Ryan and found him outside sitting in the yard naked with a knife in his hand. He said he don't remember going out there and didn't know he was until his mom said his name and he snapped out of it. So that's why he's going back to his counselor today. Ive explained to him Im never gonna leave him. I love him with all my heart and the luckiest day of my life is when I found him. You might be wondering why all the mushy poems and songs Im posting well know you know why. Im just trying to let him know he means the world to me and that's my way of doing it. So Im warning you theirs gonna be a lot more of them. Im not giving up on trying to get him to believe he's not gonna lose me.

Im gonna end this by saying I love you with all my heart Ryan and don't ever forget that. As for loosing me your stuck with me so you just better get used to me.
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