Naked in a Blanket

I'm sitting here this morning drinking my forth cup of coffee thinking about getting some clothes on and thinking about the last 2 weeks. It's been such a long time since someone I knew personally has passed away. I think I was a kid and a cousin was killed in a car wreck I didn't remember much from that but I think that was they last time I went to a funeral. I tried so hard to get to my Grandma before she passed but I just couldn't make it. Her funeral was very hard to go through I was in a daze for most of it. Were not very close with most of the family with my Dad being from England and wasn't very much liked by a bunch of redneck backwood country folks. Then there is me being gay didn't go over with them very well either. So we haven't been close with the rest of the family that well. There are a few that we are close with that have love and respect no matter what.

My Grandma would come down and stay with us for months at a time when I was kid and I just enjoyed her being around so much I remember her homemade breakfast gravy and we use to cover are tomatoes with it. Hey don't knock it until you tried it friend bologna and onions sandwich's for breakfast I think she was the only person that could get me to eat I'm gonna miss that. There is so much about her I'm gonna miss and I know it takes time but it still hurts and I'm just not ready to tell her bye yet. I'm being selfish aren't I? I can't help it I didn't get as much time with her as the other grandkids did and that pisses me off. Just because I was different and chose not to live a lie I felt I was punished in some way by not having her around me more. I know she was the last straw that kinda held this family together and we may never see any of that family anymore and that don't make me sad at all I fell them being like they are has takin a lot away from me all cause I was honest.

Sorry I don't mean to drop all this on you readers but I just got to get these feelings out of my head so I can get a true nights sleep. Ya'll have been great and help me through this more than you know.

Thanks!

Later from Florida!
10 Responses
  1. ryan field Says:

    Get it all out. It will make you feel better. I don't mind listening :)


  2. Yes you definitely need to get it out. Grandma's are special - no doubt about that. Sorry your family has a problem with you being who you are but that is THEIR problem - not yours.
    You are a wonderful man Ryan and i'd be proud to have you in my family!


  3. Anonymous Says:

    I still miss my Granny's home cooking. Although, sometimes the stuff she fixed was made of things I would never eat anyplace else. She lived through the Great Depression and had to learn to not waste anything. My Granny's dumplings have never been equalled. Her Squirrel Gravy was to die for. Only time will change your hurt to rememberences of all the good times. You'll always have an empty place in your heart were your Granny once lived but now she is in your minds memory to stay. Hugs 'till it helps. ed


  4. elise Says:

    I agree--you have to let your feelings out. And don't let anyone tell you that you have to be ready to "move on" after a certain amount of time.

    Everyone grieves differently, and you just have to process this at your own pace.

    Those wonderful memories of Grandma will help you find peace and say goodbye, even though you wish you had more time with her.

    Sorry to hear about your screwed up family. I'll bet we all could have a great chat forum on sharing weird dysfunctional family stories--hey, we could form our own self-help group! "Ryan's Hope!" Oh, wait, that was a soap opera back in the '70's.

    sending big hugs...


  5. naturgesetz Says:

    *hugs*

    No, you're not being selfish because you're not ready to say goodbye to your grandma. You're being loving.

    It's too bad you couldn't get to the hospital to say that last, "I love you," but I'm sure she knows that you tried and that you do love her.

    And it's too bad that you have such a narrow-minded bunch of relatives. Well, it's their loss if they want nothing to do with you, but I'm sure it hurts to have them feel that way about you.

    You can't expect the grief to go away quickly, but in time your thoughts of her will bring joy, and the pain will be less. Faith tells us that the funeral was not "goodbye forever" but "so long for now," and that we can all meet again in God's everlasting home.


  6. Laurie Says:

    Hey Sweetie!!!

    Don't appologize for any thing...
    You need to get it out than go
    for it...

    I love you and I will ALWAYS be
    there for you...You're my Baby Boy
    and you know it :)

    I LOVES YA CRAZY!!!!
    HUGGIE SNUGGLES!!!!!


  7. Martin Says:

    You're not being selfish at all for wanting to hang onto thoughts of your Grandma and the times you spent together. My Grandma was a tea drinker and I remember sharing a tea bag with her to stretch it to make 2 cups from one bag. She raised 15 children and knew how to be frugal. I still am a big tea drinker, most likely because of those shared moments.

    I see you now have a Twitter account, Ryan...cool...I'm following you. My Twitter page is:
    http://twitter.com/martron3000


  8. Chris Says:

    Recently, I was asked if I could sit down and talk with anyone in history, who would I talk to? My first thought was my grandmother. She's been gone for 25 years and I still think about her. Grandmothers stay with you, the pain goes away, but the love remains.

    Sorry about your family drifting apart. I often wonder what will happen when my mother passes--I know our family will go in separate directions. It may be up to you to keep your family together.

    I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  9. Angel Says:

    Hey Ryan. I dont think anyone can be selfish for losing someone and wanting more time with them. In anycase, I had never found you selfish for anything. I find it very sucky that it took one person to keep a family together. Sounds alot like my mothers side of the family. Unlike my dads who their all buddy buddy, even if one or two on his side are gay/bi. In anycase I don't think your a backwoods redneck, your what I would call a southern gentlemen and theres no probably with boys with a southern accent, its rather sexy if I might say so myself. I believe that the only way to keep a family together is to communicated and GET ALONG. If you can't do that then some people shouldnt even bother calling themselves a family. Like I always say, blood is thicker then wine. Familys are forever just as long as you work at it. I hope you can get through this because I hate seeing (anyone) sad.

    Alright so lets get NEKID and party like youngins! lol. See, im not so boring ^_^


  10. It is not selfish at all to wish you had more time with your Grandma...It is just truthful and loving. But what everyone says is true....The pin WILL Pass, eventually and what remains are all the great memories of good times. Will you always miss her? Yes, You Will. My Grandma dies in 1970---she was 99 1/2....And I still miss her and I too wish I could talk with her once more. There are so many things I would LOVE to ask her about....!
    And you know Ryan, GREIVING is such an individual thing...So, don't listen to anyone who says 'move on' or 'get over it', erc., etc. All in YOUR own time, my dear---however long that might be. (((((((HUGS))))))) to you, dear Ryan.