When We Were Friends The End

So after Matt talked to me an explain to me pretty much he was with the in crowd and I was a nerd. Even though I understood what he was saying and even inside me I knew it was wrong I wanted to have more friends in my life than my mom and Reed. So I went along with the rules even though it hurt me to see Matt talking and laughing with other kids and he wouldn't even say hi to me.

The weekends would come and I was always super excited cause I knew he would be spending most of his time with me. Normally on Friday he would come over and not leave until Sunday. The fun we had playing on the farm doing things that boys do. Making forts swimming in the lake riding bikes just being boys. Not to mention my parents treated him like he was another kid and anytime they got me something while he was here he got the same thing.

This went on for the rest of the school year during school hours we didn't know each other on the weekends we were best friends. Deep down I knew it was wrong but I didn't care the little hurt I had while at school was made up on the weekends when I got Matt all to myself. I would plans things all week write them down go over and over them I wanted to make sure he was having fun and wanted to come back every weekend.Summer came and no school I was so happy my parents always had summer plans camping, amusement parks, Florida you name mom had it planned and of course I tried to take Matt as much as his parents would let him go. I remember when we went to see the Atlanta Braves once he just loved it never been to a game before and thought it was awesome.

Over the summer we grew really close and one night when we was camping out he ask me. Ryan you the kids in school told me that your gay is that true? Wow I was lost and knew what I said could change everything between us. I knew what I was and I already have messed with a boy before (for those who been following this blog know this) I was shocked really didn't know how to answer his question.Finally Matt spoke again he said if you are that's ok Ryan it don't change our friendship. I was still shocked but happy finally I said yes Matt I like boys but I don't think of you in that way. (Even though that was a lie I didn't want to scare him) He finally said why wouldn't you think of me that way don't you find me cute? Finally I told him I did and I'm not going to drag this story out yes we did stuff together honestly it was me that mainly did stuff for him.

End of summer I thought things would be different now in school I thought after a great summer of us being together almost everyday after my parents spent tons of money on him after I did everything to make him happy I thought this year I would go to school and Matt would be my friend and all the kids would see it and think he maybe Ryan is cool after all if Matt is hanging with him. WRONG!
First day of school I walk up to Matt and said hey how's it going or something like that he look right at me and said get out of my face fag! The look on my face I bet was priceless I said what come on Matt why you being like that? He then said get away from me before I kick your ass and push me when he walked passe me. Yeah I was lost and confused and hurt so bad I wanted to just leave.

Later that day I seen him going into the bathroom I didn't see anyone else heading in there so I did I wanted to see why he was acting like that and so upset. In the bathroom I was like Matt what's wrong what's the deal? He said stay away from me were not friends anymore I was like why? Then a couple boys walked in and he went crazy and said look the faggot is begging to suck my dick. Me and my mouth I said you were begging me over the summer everyday to suck you.

Then it happen bam he clocked me down I went. He was kicking me yelling, cussing and he even pissed on me. All I could do was lay there and cry. They finally left the bathroom this boy came in ask if I was ok I couldn't answer him he went and got a teacher and finally got me back to the office called my mom and I went to the doctor and then home. That was the end of my friendship with Matt it hurt.I look back on it now and I feel sorry for Matt I don't know what happen to him much after that. I seen him from time to time through school but we never talked again. I don't know if he was gay or just being a boy that age that wonders and plays around a little. I would see him with girls and he looked unhappy but I don't know if he was for sure. I just feel sorry cause he couldn't man up back then and say I'm picking my own friends if the rest of you don't like it then fuck off.

Matt don't know if you read my blog or not but if you do I'm not mad anymore and I forgive you. Wish you all the best in life.
7 Responses
  1. Eric Says:

    Ryan...your past and childhood is similar to mine. I am sorry for what you went through but maybe in some ways what we had to endure has made us stronger as adults. It took me a long time to stop caring about what every person thinks of me and to stand up for myself.

    Matt was truly a classic bully who liked you but wanted it both ways so he could hang out with his homophobic friends. He probably was/is gay or bi, but he clearly hates his affection for guys. I bet you wonder what happened to him in the same way I wonder what happened to the guys who ruthlessly bullied me in high school.

    It does get better...hugs babe!
    Eric


  2. naturgesetz Says:

    It is very good of you to forgive Matt. We don't stop loving the people we love, even when we have put them out of our lives and moved on. It's too bad he just wasn't strong enough to be himself back then.


  3. jaygeemmm Says:

    I'm not at all surprised that you forgave Matt. Your strength of character transcends childhood hurt. Forgiveness doesn't undo the pain you experienced then, but it does release it now. What a fine young man you are, Ryan. A son anyone would be proud to have and a friend like no other.
    Peace <3
    Jay


  4. Anonymous Says:

    This is a very sad story. I wish we lived in a world where we did not have to deal with hate.


  5. Doug Says:

    I agree with Eric. Matt was probably gay or bi and hated being that way. It was good of you to forgive him. Maybe someday you will get back in touch with him.

    I had people that bullied me in school too. of course this was back in the 60's and 70's. Thanks to facebook I am now in contact with them and we are actually friends. Of course they don't remember what they did. I forgave them a long time ago.


  6. jimm Says:

    Ryan, I know how these most unpleasant events impact us for life, especially as a youngster. The dreadful memory never really goes away. Because it shapes who we are. The ability to forgive is a very powerful trait. You rock!!!

    How did you ever come to trust people again?

    As for Matt, he will never forget what he did to you, never. I'm willing to bet he now feels lower than sharkshit about it.

    Why?

    Because he knows the truth.

    I hope someday you will have the courage to attend a class reunion. I'd go, but not initiate any conversation, jus to see if any of these bullies have the balls to talk or apologize to you.


  7. Anonymous Says:

    Hi Ryan, quite a sad story, but it seems to happen very often. Reading your entry it reminded me of a fanstastic movie: "Get real" (GB, 1998). It's very much your story, even in details. But still a feel good movie - you will like it! ;-)

    Aw, talking about movies: Kadin seems to like Star Wars, so how about Hayden Christensen caught up jerking in "Life as a house" with Kevin Kline an Kristin Scott Thomas (US, 2001)? ;-) Have a great birthday, guys!

    Hugs, cutie!
    Simon