Cellar Door

I see this cellar door and a voice tells me 2 open go inside all my troubles will be gone. I am scared to open the door but I am scared not too. They give me med's 2 make me better but sometimes they don't work. They told my parents I have things messed up in my head maybe from being born 2 soon lack of oxygen or some shit like that. I have Mikey but I se in his eyes he has doubts I scare him sometimes I know this. When I talk about the cellar door it freaks him out. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in my own head I know it's not right I think. Sometimes I feel someone else is in there I don't know it all just come's together sometimes. I know this won't make any since 2 you but somehow it doe's 2 me. That cellar door scares the fucking shit out of me and I don't know if I should open it.
8 Responses
  1. Lewis Says:

    Ryan, my dear friend: There are many, many doors on nearly every single day of each of our lives. They can remain open. They can remain closed. Your choice. If we live in fear for what's behind them, we'll keep them closed and never know. If we open them, we risk it being bad.....or even good. But at least we'll know what's behind it. I encourage you to act in peacefulness and with a thoughtful heart. Be calm. Be calculated. Be a man. A great man. Hold your head high. And move through life. With pride. And WITHOUT guilt, condemnation, or negative feelings -- from you or others.


  2. Laurie Says:

    I wish that I could hold your hand
    and take away all your fears.
    I wish that I could wipe your tears
    and make you smile again.

    When you fear anything just think
    you are never alone. Mikey is there
    we are here too.
    I'm a phone call away.

    I know what you are going through.


  3. Anonymous Says:

    Ryan, just like Luke Skywalker, you'll only find there what you bring with you. Gather your friends and family around you take Mikey's hand and kick that door down. Face your fears and know that love conquers all. Good luck my friend, good luck. Ed


  4. elise Says:

    Ryan, sweetie----I really like what Lewis had to say--please go back and re-read it.

    Have you discussed the cellar door issue with your counselor? I think that's really, really important. Friends and family and lovers may have great intentions in trying to help you deal with fears and demons, but we are not the professionals.

    I also feel that you also need to give yourself "affirmations" every day, if that's not something you already do. Affirmations are positive statements about yourself, that you read, or say out loud every day, or maybe several times a day.

    These can help keep you in balance, by reinforcing all the good things about you, so that the negative stuff doesn't have as much power.

    It's different from other people telling you how good you are. In an Affirmation, YOU tell yourself the positive things.

    Write them out on postcards or sticky notes and put them in places you will be sure to see them every day--on the bathroom mirror, as a bookmark in a book you are reading, stuck to your razor, under your pillow, on the dashboard of your truck, on the tv remote,etc.

    For example:
    "I am a good and caring person."
    "I am a wonderful son."
    "I am an honest person."
    "I am a loyal friend."
    "I treat people fairly."
    "I am beautiful, inside and out."
    "I give joy to others."
    "I deserve to be happy."
    "I am truly loved by Mikey."
    "I am worthy of Mikey's love."
    "I really do help other people."


    Ryan---whatever disadvantage you started with because of your premature birth---that does not control who you are today.

    Your health problems are a daily part of your life, but they do not control who you are today.

    YOU are in control, and with the advantage of loving and wise parents, you have become a strong and decent and loving young man.

    You have a wonderful zest for life, and you are very strong-willed, and you CAN keep the fears and demons and other negative stuff from taking over!

    big hugs to you and Mikey....


    I also feel that you to


  5. elise Says:

    oops--erase the last line


  6. Tim Says:

    you either have to face it and go thru it or live in fear of it. I had something similar a rip in the sky of my mind. I know the fear you are talking about, I can't say there wasn't reason to fear but at least I'm stronger now that i have.


  7. Java Says:

    Hey sweetie. Lots of people love you. Just look!

    When I get freaked out, hysteric, lose my grip, I scare a lot of the people who love me. People who are most important in my life, like my husband and children. Are they afraid of me? Are they afraid of what is happening to me? I think they are scared for me. Knowing that I frighten them makes me sad, and sometimes makes it harder to do the work necessary to address whatever issue is freaking me out.
    I don't know if you feel that way when you see that you scare Mikey. You could talk to him about it, I suppose.
    Probably more people than you would think have stuff like that swimming around in their heads.


  8. jimm Says:

    Ryan buddy,

    Face your fears, but do it on your own terms.

    Accept the encouragement offered by friends and family, but don't be pushed.

    I been thinking about what you have blogged over the past year. You compassionately extended a helping hand to Corey. You re-connected with Mikey. You made the only sensible decision during that anti-gay Nascar incident. You encouraged that elderly man at the rehab facility. Not to mention all the gay-rights issues you have championed.

    Maybe the rest of us oughta follow you thru that damn door!