Tracks to Nowhere

I wish I could explain what puts me in this whatever you call it. I been seeing my shrink a couple times a day. Why is it a part of me knows something anit right but still I hear the voices sometimes and that damn cellar door. I don't know Mom told my doctor about my blog she wants the link she want's 2 read my thoughts I told her I would think about it. It's bad enough I have her in my head all the time now she want's in my thoughts I write here also. Next thing ya know she gonna be trying 2 seduce me or something. I'll think about giving her the link but right now no. I haven't talk 2 Mikey he left here Monday confused if u ask me. I know Mom gave him a check for my half of everything it's only fair. Maybe when I get thru this we can work on things ya know maybe it won't hurt us 2 be alone 4 a while everybody needs some space besides he needs time 2 think if he wants 2 have a bipolar manic depressive boyfriend. I think I should stop posting hell all I am gonna do is bring ya'll down also. Mom thinks ya'll are good for me she keeps telling me 2 post that u give me good advice and makes me smile and it's true. God I hate this!
12 Responses
  1. Tim Says:

    i think you shouldn't share the link, but I'm big on space and territory issues. I hope you can get back up to WV soon and get to stay with Mike. In fact I think you should aim for that goal quickly, you seemed much better up there than you are in GA didn't you? Well best of luck from another.

  2. sillyboi Says:

    Ryan, my good firend, you know what I am going through right now. I feel like i have no where to turn or anyone to turn to. I am lost on some island with no one around. So since i have all of this time to just sit here, i think about my life, my achievments, my goals and everything else that matters to me my friends that I can not seem to be able to get a hold of anymore. I feel where you are coming from and I too know what you have gone through, and if there is anything that I can do for you, you know I would do it. You have been there for me and I will be there for you. You always have a firend, yea I might be a few hours away but I am always there. Sitting on your shoulder saying something funny just to get you to laugh. Maybe its best to spend some time away, maybe its not. I cant make that decision for you, only you can make that decision on whats best for you and Mikey. Just dont let anyone from the blog or anyone else cloud your judgement with thoughts og guilt because you are not with him right now. The decision is purely yours and yours alone.

  3. Lewis Says:

    Oh no, my friend....the tracks never lead to NOwhere. They always lead to SOMEwhere. Just make damn sure you're on the tracks that will lead you to where you WANT to go. The good, the positive. Even just for today. And, I've said it before....keep it very SIMPLE and REAL. There's nothing more frustrating that overanalyzing or overthinking a situation. You know where I am if you need to talk.

  4. Laurie Says:

    My Sweet child,

    I could only wish that I could be
    the one who fixes all of your life
    problems. Like I said though, I
    know all to well what you are going
    through. You need Mikey though. You
    and I both know that. He is the one
    who can bring you from all of this.

    Call me. Lets talk.

    I love you!


  5. Uncle Gerry Says:

    I know you know all too well where I was just weeks agos and by letting my friends in they helped me through and look where I am now. The tracks do indeed lead somewhere, you may not be able to see the destination as yet, but you must make the journey. It never hurts to let your friends in to help you along the way. You also know the trip would not be worth it without Mikey by your side in spirit if not in person. He loves your, your family loves you, your readers love you and most especially I love you for who you are and what you have given to us of yourself so many times. If you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on! If you need me to listen I like most of your friends and fans will be there you have but to reach out so we may grab your hand and hold it during whatever storm you may be in the midst of.

  6. elise Says:

    Oh Ryan------you are trying to sort out a lot of stuff right now, and I think you need to hang on to the "normal" parts of your life, rather than make big changes.

    That means keeping up the blog--whether you have good things or bad things to say--whatever--it's been a steady part of your life. It's a good outlet for venting, asking for opinions from your blog friends, getting feedback, support and love.

    It also means keeping your relationship with Mikey---so you have to make some adjustments right now in living arrangements--you guys can handle that! You went through the same thing when you first got together.

    And don't stop talking---that is so important for any partnership/marriage, etc. You 2 love each other and have a commitment to each other----well that includes sticking together in the rough patches, as well as the sweet times.

    DO NOT assume that Mikey would be better off without you, no matter what your physical or mental problems are. Weren't you there for him after his accident, even when he got depressed and frustrated?

    You don't need any more pressure right now, so just "stay the course" with your blog and Mikey. Your focus should be on getting your physical health back on track, and dealing with this flare-up with your depression.

    I'm sending you lots of love and hope.....

  7. Anonymous Says:

    Okay Ryan, here it is...nobody's perfect we ALL have flaws. I'm not perfect, you're not perfect, Mikey's not perfect. (but he almost is Haha) But you guys are perfect for each other. He loves you in spite of your imperfections and you love him in spite of his imperfections.
    It is just like parental love for their children. I heard this story once and it stuck with me:
    A mother looked out her window and a big boy was punching her son in the stomach. A. Did she think to her self, Hmm I'd go help him but he never cleaned his room. B. I'd go help him but he only made a c on his last test.
    C. Did she run out there and act like a mother cat tearing into the bully and rescuing her son.
    Of course she did C. He is her son and his imperfections don't make him any less of her son because she LOVES him.
    Fathers are the same way remember the country song: Fathers don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end Amen! Ed

  8. jimm Says:

    Ryan bud, Lewis said it best, don't beat yourself up. And bipolar is a tough nut, but ppl learn to smooth out the bumps. Sometimes you need to be focused, other times ya gotta let go and live in the 'now.'

    Write me anytime!

  9. Java Says:

    Hi Ryan! I'm sorry you are feeling depressed now. A lot of us seem to be going through that right now. I'm having a difficult time, too.

    I finally put up my first post on the One Love blog! Did you see it yet? I've been on the list of contributors for a while, but hadn't had anything I thought was good to share until now.

    From the things you have said about your mom, she seems like a really great lady. I think she's pretty smart about a lot of stuff, too.

    A lot of people love you and think you are a great guy. (I do, for one) Do you believe that? Do you believe even a little bit of it? If you can't believe it for yourself, then hang on to the belief of your friends until it comes back to you.


  10. Martin Says:

    My mother used to say "It's always darkest before the dawn", meaning that no matter how dark things seemed, dawn will come and brighten everything up again. Thinking of that, I found this poem that expresses it better than I can:

    It's always darkest before the dawn

    when your world is weary,
    when all is dark,
    when dreams die and fade away,
    and all of life is stark,
    take heart in gentle love,
    for she waits in the wings,
    and where she walks,
    fairies dance and angels sing,
    though you cannot see her,
    she weaves a silken touch,
    leaving footprints in the sand,
    sprinkling spells and such,
    lighting the dampened corridors,
    the dark corners of your mind,
    leaving you breathless,
    bewildered by her kind,
    goodness glints in her eyes,
    hope is in her arms,
    and all you've ever dreamed of,
    rests sweetly in her charms.

    And I know that love is walking beside you always, so don't be afraid of where those tracks are going. And as for that cellar door, there's probably just a bunch of hot guys waiting behind it for you! :)

    P.S. I had to 'borrow' a copy of that picture of the train tracks for my desktop 'cause I love pictures like that of roads or tracks leading off into the distance. Makes me want to follow them to see where they go.

  11. Says:

    I'm also with Lewis on this. With Mikey on your side, you can fight through this.

  12. Chicka Says:

    NOpe. Your blog is nothing she needs to see, sweetie. If you gave her the link, the next thing you know, you'll start editing your thoughts before you put them here. And that's not what blogging is about.

    Think about it really hard before you consider giving her the link, hon. Seriously. And you know you can always email me, too. (((HUGS)))