I Failed........Thank God!

I'm writing this post for my friends out there that wonder what happen them 2 weeks I disappeared also for anyone out there that may be going through what I was. I am not writing this for people 2 belittle me or for people 2 praise me or whatever I just feel I need 2 write this 4 my friends and anyone it may help and mainly for myself. Them 2 weeks I was gone from this blog was a very hard time in my life I had broke up with Mikey and I lost some friends I thought were friends but they were just back stabbers and users. Anyway I was dealing with that and being sick again just getting out of the hospital for like the millionth time in my life and thought well it's just not worth it anymore I was tired of fighting so I decided it was time 2 put a stop 2 it all. I got up that morning waited fro everyone 2 leave before I did it I went down had coffee with the parents and talked with my bro, sister and Corey and just waited for everyone 2 leave. My parents didn't understand how I didn't show any signs that morning the doctor told them some people gives signs and some don't my case I did by being sad he said but I didn't give off anymore than that. Hell I could have told them that. Anyway I am not gonna go into details on what I did or I should say how I did it but I do have a rope scare now 2 remind me everyday I have a reason 2 live. Oh Corey came back home that day he said or he told my parents something just didn't feel right with him like something was wrong so he came home from school and found me.

I am very happy he did at that point of my life was the lowest time in my life but I see now it wasn't worth dying over. Corey called 911 and my parents I remember waking up in the hospital and the doctors saying I was ok I didn't hurt anything. I was takin over 2 the mental part of the hospital and than transfer 2 another mental place for some help. I knew then I didn't need help coz going through that I knew I didn't want 2 die anymore I wanted 2 live. The doctor thinks sometime people try and then they get it and find the reason 2 live and others try it again he seems 2 think and I know I will never try it again. I know I felt I had a lot on my shoulders with my health problems and with Mikey. Now please don't think I am blaming Mikey coz I'm not we have talked coz he blamed himself for what I did and it wasn't his fault it wasn't anybody's fault but mine and mine alone. It hurt knowing that me and Mikey were on different roads coz I thought he was my mate for life and when I seen him on a different road it crush me. I need to learn how 2 better deal with big things like that in life. See I am a brat my Mom spoiled me and most of my life if something was wrong she could fix it if I was hurt or sad she could fix but this she couldn't fix and I was lost. No I am not blaming her either I said before and I'll say again I blame myself period.

I do want to say this for anybody going through issues and you think there is no way out there is trust me. When you think that no one cares that's not true either there is people that care I care. Before you do something you can't take back seek help reach out 2 a friend hell reach out 2 me email me leave a comment and I'll do what I can 2 get you the help you need. Trust me there is people out there that care and do want 2 help there is someone that cares for you even if you think there isn't. It took me going through this 2 understand and I know there is people that care. I will have some links at the end of this post that will help and Like I said I am here also just write me. I didn't go into grave details of that day but I wanted 2 give you the 2 weeks of hell I went through. I want 2 thank Corey for being my Angel and I want him 2 know how much I love him and so glad he is my best friend. I also want to say thanks for all the readers and commenter's and blog friends your love and support also helps more than you know. Just remember anybody out there seeking help please use the links or email me and I will lead you in the right direction.

Next week I will go into some more on Austin the meeting and the first date and how he makes me so happy! Have a awesome weekend Hugs and Kisses!
Later from Beautiful Florida!

The Trevor Project
16 Responses
  1. Chicka Says:

    Oh Ry, know you're never really alone, no matter how much it feels that you are.

    And you can always email me, hon. Always! I may not be able to come wave a magic wand, but I've got a lot of years behind me of experience, even in suicide attempts.

    Hang tough, sweetie. There's greater things for you out there. Don't give up. ((HUGS))

  2. elise Says:

    Ryan, sweetie---this was a very brave thing to share, and I'm so glad you did!

    Mental illness is so misunderstood in our society--we need to be communicating, and educating, so kids, especially, know they can get help. Double for gay kids.

    And we still have a long way to go to teach people that mental illness is not something to laugh at or make people feel bad about-it is a disease that needs treatment, like any other.

    I am praying that you continue to get the help and treatment you need, and always communicate with your family and best friends about what's going on.

    And bless you, Corey!!!!

    big hugs to you and your family, and an extra one for Corey!

  3. Patti Says:

    I am very very very glad that you failed. I think many of your readers have failed or know someone who has. The important thing is Thank God you failed and are on the right track again honey. You have so many people who care about you. Hugs.

    Next week.... Darlington!!!

  4. Patti Says:

    Ryan I wasn't going to post this but... I remember when I was first diagnosed as clinically depressed and put on meds. When I came home and told my parents the first words out of their mouths "No your not". They were so disbelieving. Thank God after the shock wore off (NO ONE in OUR family ever HAD that problem!). They were right there for me. Hugs Honey.

  5. Troystopher Says:

    I am glad you failed and I am glad that you have Corey as a friend. I hope things with Austin continue to go well!


  6. Anonymous Says:

    Oh dear Ryry, I'm so glad you are better and felt you could share this with us. I had a similar situation several years ago except it involved a gun and I never got professional help. None of my family ever knew, like you I hid it well. I wimped out on pulling the trigger even though I held it to my head several times. Now I am glad I am alive. I still have moments when I feel worthless. My best friend used to help me through the bad times but now he is gone. I rely on my blog friends now. We are all here for you too.
    Together we'll get through. Love and hugs, ed

  7. Java Says:

    Ryan, thank you for posting this. It may have been a very hard thing to do to talk about this so publically. But by sharing this you are probably helping not only yourself but many others as well. Even here in your comments some of your readers are saying they've been through something like this before. I wonder how many people, especially gays, have either tried or strongly considered suicide. I have fought with it for years. Never got quite close enough to attempt it, but I have strongly considered it. It helps to know that I'm not the only one!
    I love you young man! Welcome to LIFE!!!

  8. Laurie Says:

    You can always reach me. I know
    it's easier said than done but you
    will always have me there for you.

    I am now keeping an eye on my son
    because a couple of months ago he
    said he wished he was dead.

    Corey!! WAY TO GO BUDDY!!!!
    Also, you need to send me some
    pics because Eric is wanting to
    have some fun with them.


  9. Polt Says:

    Well, sweetie, I for one am quite glad that you did not succeed. The world would be a much darker place without your light in it.


  10. Uncle Gerry Says:

    I , too, am very glad you did not succeed in your efforts. God Bless Corey for being your Angel of Mercy at the time you needed him. You and I have talked about this in our chat sessions, but to reiterate, I love you, pick up the phone. Thank you for posting this as there are others out there that need to hear the message that someone does care, they are not alone. Love to all at Tara and the Beach.

  11. jimm Says:

    Mental illness? I really dont like that term. Emotional distress seems more accurate. And yeah, I battle it every day. My best friend "offed" himself, when he was just 21 years-old. Wish I coulda saved him. So much guilt.

    Ryan, you and Mike and your family saved Corey, am I not wrong? He returned the favor. Funny how things turn out, huh?

    Everybody, listen up, play your hunches. Always. Im so glad things turned out swell. Thanks Ryan. Thanks Mikey. Thanks Corey.

  12. gomad.ch Says:

    Many thanks Ryan for being so open about this... and for the lack of success in the suicide attempt. You're an inspiration for lot of us out here. I hope your advice in this post will also fall on fertile ground.

  13. Josly Says:

    I am very glad to read this,You have so many people who care about you.

  14. Tim Says:

    poor guy, life's tough but it's all you get so make the most of it, good or bad. wish i could give you a hug and tell you that things get better. Get back to work and start helping others now.

  15. Chris Says:

    Your bravery in sharing this story might save another life. Just like being out about our sexuality, being out about our despair releases the pain and helps others avoid the same traps by reminding them that we're all really so very alike.

  16. Dan Says:

    I'm glad you're ok Ry... the scar will be a constant reminder of what you have to live for... and it's a whole lot.

    Dan xx