My Deal

This will be the last post for this week I got a lot going on and tomorrow being my birthday I'm sure I'll be busy and tomorrow night me and Kadin are taking off to somewhere for a long much needed weekend together. I said somewhere cause he won't tell me where or even how we are getting there all he tells me is he has it covered. It really don't matter where we go or what we do as long as were together.

The past couple weeks have been rough on me and if you follow on facebook I bet you could tell. Anyway I been dealing with some issues in my life dealing with the gay thing. Not that I am having mixed feelings about being gay that would never happen I love Kadin and I love him naked hell I love guys naked period they are so beautiful. No its the issue of the gay community and how one should act and not be so in your face.

Anyway not going into that again I made my feelings well know with three post on it and many comments and emails from yall. I think everyone had a point it's just something I have to deal with myself. The problem it's become a big problem in mine and Kadin life cause we don't agree and have got into a few fights over it. No not fists fights we would never hit each other we both agree how can you hit someone you love.

I am very hard headed and if I feel I'm right I refused to see any other side. Now this was at the tail end of a bad week when we got into over this topic before it was something else hell it was over my friend. So when it came time I played it back on him we were suppose to got to dinner over at his friends house and I didn't want to go cause I don't like the people and I said I don't want to go cause there too gay for me.

Yeah that went over very well and boy the fight was on. I told him them people have never liked me since he took me over the first time and the one guy is was over the top with his gayness and they make me look like a stupid hillbilly. So he got pissed and went to his room I stayed out and was watching TV and what was I watching nascar.

Omg he came out and blew up said that's why you didn't want to go you knew there was a Saturday night race on and you blew me off to watch your friend race! I was like no that not true I was going to dvr it and watch it later but since we are home I thought I would watch it. He was yelling at me and I finally had enough and said shut the fuck up Reed is not even in the race!

3 days we didn't talk we didn't have sex we slept in the same bed but didn't touch. It was ok at the time I think we both wanted to be mad for a while but after a while I got to thinking about it and seen how stupid I was and didn't take into thoughts how I made him feel and how I wasn't thinking about his friends either. Took me a few days but I finally understood that I wasn't being fair and the make up sex is always awesome.

Still have these issues with the gay community but something I have to deal with and I am day to day. All I know is I'm going to be 24 tomorrow and old fuck but I am going away with the man I love and will have the best weekend ever!

Love You Kadin Bear I'm Sorry!

9 Responses
  1. Eric Says:

    Happy early birthday Ryan! Hugz from Maryland!

  2. Mind Of Mine Says:

    Happy Birthday.

    I think in time you will realise there is more to someone than being effeminate. I think this will come to you as you mature and come to terms with your sexuality.

  3. Austin Says:

    I won't go into the rest, but I don't think this is something you can get through until you think about why exactly you are so against feminine guys - what exactly it is that upsets you (and I will almost guarantee it's not the displacement of "it hurts the gay community; it sounds a lot deeper than that). The quote of "not be so in your face" is really telling; that says there's some underlying emotional or psychological issue, possibly something personally threatening, going on.

    That isn't to say you need to talk to us about it, or here. Nor is it to say that such a reaction is necessarily "wrong" - it may be irrational (or may not, though such things usually are), but that doesn't make it "wrong".

    But in order for you to "deal with it" successfully - in whatever format that takes - you really need to know what it is you're dealing with instead of just the superficial (as in, on the surface, not in the colloquial sense) expression.

    Regardless, have as great a birthday as you can, and try to relax a bit. You've had a tough few weeks.

  4. FOGGY Says:

    Hey Ryan,
    .......... Twenty four?
    .......... "Old Fuck"???

    What I would give to be a 24 year old "old fuck" again - - - -

    Nine months earlier, I'd be doing my first solo in my very own airplane.
    Five months earlier I'd be on my way with my squadron to Iceland on a six month deployment.
    A month after (my 24th BD), I'd be back in Brunswick, Maine; flying off my solo cross country requirements - one trip being to my old summer camp in Enfield, New Hampshire [landing, Lebanon], where I spent three of my best childhood summers.
    Four months after, I'd take my Private Pilot checkride in Augusta, Maine; flying a Cessna 150, because it had full instrumentation and a NAVCOM radio for navigation.
    Six months after, I'd land at the Biddeford, Maine airport; and take my first "kid-at-the-airport-fence" for a ride.
    Twelve months after, I'd be on my way with the squadron again - this time, to Sigonella, Sicily. On the 27th of that month, I turned 25. It was 1971, and I was still convincing myself that I was str8.
    .........what a waste of a precious young life.

    You're a lucky YOUNG guy, Ryan. Kadin and you have your whole lives ahead. You have lived the life I so wished I could have lived, had I known and admitted to being who I really was - and still am. Unfortunately, one can re-visit a place in the past; but one can never "go back". History can be repeated, but never duplicated.

    Arguments and "ill feelings" are a normal part of all relationships. The question of love is: "Could I ever imagine living one day without this special person in my life?".
    For me, the answer is "no", even as my "special person" is a number of states distance from me, he is still in my heart.

    "BZ".......... "FOGGY"..........

    P.S. : I'm with you on this one. I'd much rather watch a NASCAR race on TV, than go to a dinner with a bunch of "girly men" ( although I've had it on hearsay that some people have said I was a little "swishy" - REALLY???).

  5. jimm Says:

    Happy 24th to the 'old fuck'!!!

    Jus a thought, but do you hear everything ppl say to you? Or do you struggle with the conversations and then guess? Do you miss a lot of the words, then get bored with the group, then start thinking to yourself negative thoughts?

    Anyhow, i hope you 'hang loose' with Kadin for your birthday weekend. Best wishes!

  6. ryan field Says:

    A lot of gay men deal with these issues. And you live and learn how to deal with them easier. You have to follow your heart and know what you believe in, because the gay community is very diverse and we're all different.

    I just hope you keep talking and posting your feelings. I think you serve as a good example for younger gay men who aren't sure who they are and what they want.

    Have a good birthday.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    I am completely sure that you and Kadin will kiss, makeup and forget this in a very short time.

    As to your feelings on the gay community. We can all agree to disagree. I'll still think your great because you are willing to voice your opinion, appropriately!(And we pretty much agree. LOL)

    I hope you and K have a great time, it sounds like he's got it all planned out to be special for you. And believe me Ryan, 24 is NOT old!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    Peace <3

  8. Anonymous Says:

    Happy Birthday, Ryan.
    Hope you celebrate the b-day in your birthday suit with Kaden at a nude beach or park.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    Happy Birthday
    And have a great time
    Dave xx