I Hurt Myself

I know I have done post in the past about me fighting depression and how it sneaks up on me most the time without warning. This time I knew it was happening I felt it coming on and with the breakup I just knew it would find me and I tried everything to fight it off and in the end I just ended up hurting myself and the ones I loved. I'm writing this post and I'm going to be honest and hope if someone else out there reads this and is going through the same thing as me they will seek help as I did.

I'm not ready to talk about the breakup other than it was hard on me and destroy my world. I first turn to alcohol for comfort and we all know that I have a problem with drinking or you do if you been following this blog. Well that help for a while but that lead to other things that were bad for me like sex parties in hotel rooms. I've never been one to take drugs I've tried in the past and I just didn't like them or get them so I never really took them but I did at these parties.

I lost feeling in myself and I just wanted to feel again and I couldn't. I was really bad just taking some pills and drinking and having sex just to feel and this is not me and I know it but I couldn't stop. This past weekend I did something that I have never done before and I was doing it just to feel. Tyler walk in on me cutting myself no I wasn't trying to kill myself I was just cutting myself to feel and watch the blood. Of course he freak out and called our parents they took me to the hospital and was going to have me committed.

I finally broke down and told them how I felt is was only when I seen Tyler crying and saying he was scared I was going to hurt myself so bad I couldn't be saved. I told them I didn't want to die or I wasn't going to kill myself I just wanted to feel. I agree if they let me come home that I would get help and that someone could be around me all the time until they felt I could be alone again. I tell you having your baby brother who is bigger than you and his bf in bed with you don't leave much room but they won't even let me sleep alone.

Anyway I just wanted to post this and say I don't know if I'll post for a while I hope Addi will post somethings while I get better. I also want to say to anyone out there who is fighting depression there is help out there just seek it out. It's hell I know it but there are people who do love and care so don't be scared to ask for help sometimes we all need a helping hand. Thanks everyone and I will post again as soon as I feel like I can give more.

Depression Help Online
12 Responses
  1. ryan field Says:

    Sorry you're going through such a hard time.

    But you'll get through this. You're very strong and you are a survivor.

    The knee surgery alone can spark depression, and no one seems to know why. It's a truama to the body. And then going through everything else just complicated that even more.

    Sometimes you just need to sit back and do nothing for a while. I'm glad to see you're posting and getting it out, so to speak. If you need anything let me know.

  2. Hey Ry, I know that you are going to prolly get alot of this, but you know how to reach me if needing to talk... to be honest my last break up destroyed my world as well... that was over 5 years ago and I have not been able to find someone to fill that... but that is because I know I am trying to find someone to replace not someone to begin again with, and that is my own fault... yeah I would fly a couple comments here and there at you to let you know that I was still around to talk to. But I did attempt to warn you as well. not saying anything like I told you so or anything, due to I feel it was something that you had to go through inorder to grow and be able to possibly start moving on... and I am glad that Tyler was there to catch you, cause I have see where the cutting works for alittle then it stops having it's effect then you start cutting deeper and deeper till you cut too deep and then it is too late. so please twit, email, or text... hell if you do not have the number I will send it , but you can call whenever needed.. again I know that, that particular offer has been made by may people so choose one or a few and keep them on speed dial to call whenever you need to.. We all have our reasons for not wanting to see you hurt, however mine is that I want to attempt to repay the help back from the way it came for when you pulled me out of my depression a few times. (said in my midwestern redneck voice ) so ya better call next time, case ya don't want me to come find ya ... lol

  3. lauradeth Says:

    Emailed you, Ry. Read it whenever you're ready. <3

  4. elise Says:

    I know you can get thru this, Ryan, but I also know how really, really tough it is. TALK TO THOSE YOU TRUST!



    love you.........

  5. naturgesetz Says:

    I only follow you on Blogger, so I didn't know about the breakup, but I wondered when you said nothing about Kadin when you posted about plans for Memorial Day.

    I'm glad Tyler is there to keep an eye on you while you work through the depression. You're lucky to have him.

    Get well.


  6. Jay M. Says:

    Ryan, taking that first step is the most difficult. I'm glad you are doing that. You know we're all behind you. Get well, man!
    Peace <3

  7. mary gresham Says:

    Ryan baby, ive sent you all kinds of pms on twitter, hopefully you will read them. I was afraid you were going to crash again, just like the last time, only worse this time around because I know how you felt, hell, still feel about Kadin, it doesn't go away overnight. Read the messages on twitter amd you will see I know where youre coming from. Besides, you need to see whats been going on with me for the past week. Love you littl baby, always

  8. Honestly started to cry while reading this cause it brought back the pain when i used to cut myself,but please get better and i know that you can over come this

  9. Doug Says:

    Ryan, you know I have suffered from depression for over thirty years and have attempted suicide myself. I know what you are going through and how hard it is to fight it. I hope you get the help you need. The last time I tried suicide I ended up committing myself for five days. I had to get away from the pain and it really helped being in there. You have a lot of people worried about you and willing to help you get through this. I will be praying for you and your family. If there is anything I can do let me know.

  10. You really found out how to live life the hard way *sigh, God bless you dear Ryan! You're in my prayers now, again.

  11. randster25 Says:

    I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I've been to the suicidal point myself in the past. Looking back it all seems so silly to get that bad off but at the time it's all too real. Take care of yourself.
    I miss coffee time.

  12. Dr. Panhandle Bob Says:

    I'll keep this short. Ryan, you've gotten a lot of comments from a lot of people saying they know how you feel, blah blah blah...as if that's supposed to make *you* feel better. It probably will not.

    I have no idea how you feel. But listen to me, man. Fuck you. Everyone goes through depression. EVERYONE. Everyone on the damn planet. But you know what? We DEAL with it. That's right, we figure out a goddamn way. YOU need to grow up and realize some things:

    1) Only YOU are responsible for your own happiness. No one, not Mikey or Kadin or anyone else can "make" you feel happy.

    2) You have quite a number of people who love you - people who've come to "know" you through this blog (and FB) and who really care about you because you generously share so much of yourself with us.

    You have a lot of anger. Why, I do not know. I say: Deal with that issue first. Find your "happy." (And don't just pretend to be happy. BE happy. Yes, you can do it.) Stop being so goddamn dissatisfied with everything. The world is an imperfect place filled with imperfect people doing imperfect things. Get over it.

    Perhaps when you find out why you have so much anger built up inside of you, you'll find the key to your depression. Perhaps. But even if you don't, you are a beautfiful person who should not defile his body by abusing it. When YOU finally come to this realization, then we can talk. In the meantime, go fuck off somewhere - go listen to music or meditate or lay by the pool and contemplate your navel until you understand what a wonderful and important human being you are. Then start treating yourself with respect. You obviously don't now.

    That is all.