This is me

Something I don't talk about a lot on here is my fight with depression. Most of the time I can control it but sometimes it just comes up on me so fast. I been told that a lot of people have it and it runs in gay youth's big time. I also was told it may have some 2 do with me being born 2 soon and all the health problems I have from that. I take meds for it and for the most part it helps but sometimes it just comes up on me and I can't stop it. Don't get me wrong I don't feel like killing myself or anything like that I have 2 much 2 live for and I could never do that 2 Mikey but when I feel like I do now I want 2 hide I want 2 be alone in my room. I can't stand 2 look at myself I hate the way I look I feel I am ugly way 2 skinny I look like a dead man walking. I can't see what Mikey see's in me. I hate this feeling I know it won't last but God I hate it!
13 Responses
  1. Patti Says:

    Depression is such an ugly thing. I'm so sorry for you Ryan.
    Just remember "this too shall pass"


  2. Laurie Says:

    Honey,
    I wish I was there to take care
    of you. I know what you're going
    through. You're perfect just as
    you are. You are NOT to skinny and
    you are so beautiful


  3. Lewis Says:

    I think you're well on your way to achieving an excellent balance and understanding of you and your depression. You recognize it, you call it what it is, you're honest. And, you're not alone. It becomes an even bigger problem when you feel backed into a corner or like you're the only one with that particular problem....but you're not. Face it. Deal with it. Don't allow it to become a GIANT HUGE MONSTER in your life (or it will!). Keep it the smallest, little, tiny thing ever. Laugh at it. Giggle at it. And do all of those other things that are necessary -- good food, great company, lots of outside/fresh air time all year long, and keep your mind active with studies and learning. Sending you giant love-filled hugs today. Email me if you need to.


  4. Cheeky Says:

    I have been there honey and I am sure I will go there again. Sending hugs to ya.


  5. Anonymous Says:

    It may be because I'm a sissy but when I get depressed I go shopping. Buying new things and just looking at stuff makes me feel better. Remember: You can't be too rich or too thin. Ed


  6. elise Says:

    My dear Ryan--Depression sure is a demon--and you know you have to keep battling it. I have also been fighting it for years.

    You are going thru a huge life change right now, and even though it's wonderful, it is still a major stress. I'm not surprised that it triggered a bout of depression.

    Lewis is so right---You know what to do--don't skip your meds, eat healthy, sleep properly, exercise, etc., and get help to talk things through---I'm sure you have a counselor back in Georgia--maybe give him/her a call?

    Can you e-mail me to let me know how you are doing?

    Love to you and Mikey.....


  7. Uncle Gerry Says:

    You have had a great deal of excitement here of late and that can make "normal" seem depressing. I know how you feel, I have those days too when nothing but piles of blankets and lots of darkness is all that is tolerable. I have been there too many times in the past and will probably be there again. You can always talk to me, you know I love you guys and I most certainly do understand and care enough to listen to whatever it is you want to say. Besides, Mikey will be home in a little while and that would make anyone feel better.
    love you lots, hang in there.


  8. Anonymous Says:

    Ryan,
    I have told you this before, but I figured you hearing it again might be helpful right now. You and Mikey are amazing. I have throughly enjoyed getting to know you over the past year now. This blog has helped me be okay with who I am as a young gay man, and I just want to thank you again. Thanks Ryan and take care my friend.
    Matt


  9. jimm Says:

    Depression...you and I could write a book on that one.

    I've come to learn what some of the 'triggers' are, what sets off my blue feelings. Like when I come to realize I screwed something up bcuz I didn't hear something correctly. That sends me into an emotional nosedive.

    You have a lot of free time now. Maybe you need to fill out your schedule?


  10. Michael Says:

    Ryan, you know what I told you in the last email I sent ya? It is sooo true. You have the looks of a model, and the body of one as well. And it is hard to see ourselves as other see us. I know that from experience. I just want you to know (and everyone else as well) that you are beautiful on the outside just like you are on the inside.

    I know that it may not seem that way always, but it's true. Don't hide too much.....cause some of us will miss you if you do :)

    Take care buddy. You're doing fine!


  11. D-Man Says:

    My sweet Ryan. I've seen pics of you (including the shower one....)and you are beautiful. From your posts I know you are caring and intelligent.

    I'm not good at taking compliments, and struggle with my self image, too. But I have learned not to question why people like or love me; it's like asking WHY the sun shines upon my face. Who knows? Who cares? But it sure does feel nice.

    When I get real low, I try so hard to remember what Patti said: "This too shall pass."


  12. gomad.ch Says:

    Ryan, you're strong despite your long list of troubles. Look what all happened during the last twelve months. Who would have guessed all this. And you lost your love and you thought to get it back. You have shown tremendous perseverance and fortitude in the face of adversity.


  13. Chris Says:

    i've had depression for years. it's gotten better over time. life gets better as you age. when i get down i just stay in bed and kind of enjoy the down time. i try not to beat myself up over it. if i'm just a little moody then i try to change gears by being around other people, taking a walk, or doing something different like going to a new part of town or calling someone i haven't talked to in a while. in general, i try to be honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses, work on things i like, and expect people to like me for who i am. maybe some of these things will work for you, too.