So Much on My Mind

Yesterday was a bad day for me I woke up feeling bad and it just worse from there. I don't know people say one of my faults is I care to much. I always seem to get along better with older people I think it's cause when I was growing up people my own age treated me bad. I don't know why they pick on me I think it was maybe cause at first I was smaller than everyone else I wore hearing aids and back then I wore glasses. Then later the name calling started and I was step up by some boys and admitted to one who lied about being my friend and I told him I liked boys and then the real name calling started fag, queer all them names that go with it. I had a few friends mainly girls but there was one boy that always took up for me and were still friends today.

Reason I went and told all that is one of the reason I felt so bad yesterday. Like I said most of my friends are older and its just been that way all my life. I have this friend that's older just in his 40's but I feel so bad for him he's tried his luck with finding somebody but it always seems it ends bad for him. The past couple years he has totally gave up on dating and finding someone. He has come to this conclusion that he is meant to be single and alone. We invite him over all the time when were cooking out or holidays and things like. Other than that he goes to work comes home and that's it. I know the type of guy he likes we've talked about it but there lies the problem. The gay community is so strange and I'll be this first to admit that. We label things so bad no matter what it is and when it comes to people we as a community are terrible.

Age, weight, hair color of hair clothes it don't matter we label it. The problem is age with this friend and people he likes don't like him or he hasn't found the one that does yet. I know guys my age and younger look at older men as nasty and troll like and that is so not right. My boyfriend is older and we get along great I dated guys my age and it didn't work out for different reasons. I don't know why I just feel that if people stop putting labels on things and open there eyes they may find what there looking for. What if your soul mate was older or younger but you didn't give it a second thought cause of labels or what other people think and you miss out and your alone all your life. I just think that sucks and how I wish our community wasn't that way but it is. I felt so bad for my friend yesterday thinking about him being alone not being able to give his love or have it return that it made my heart cry.

When I get this way when I over think things and make my head hurt I think about things that make me happy like standing naked at the beach. Being free with nature and listening to the waves roll in and the salt water on my naked body just makes me feel good and calm and at peace with myself. I just wish the world could feel that.Have a Good Weekend!
11 Responses
  1. naturgesetz Says:

    You're such a caring guy!

    And you, have a good weekend too.


  2. Patti Says:

    Ryan,
    Everything you said about finding love is totally true. It's hard enough to find your soul mate in this world why does everyone have to put limits like gender or age into the equation. I'll cross my fingers for your friend finding love, but you also have to remember that he is lucky. He has great friends who care for him enough to try to help him and who feel his pain. And next time he gets down, remind him of that!


  3. I feel a lot like your friend. Its been a long time since I felt love and my last love-relationship ended in 1997. Part of me has given up. Another part of me still hopes. But with a broken and jaded heart, I find it very difficult to even go out cuz I know no one will approach me, or talk to me or even ask me out for coffee.
    It'll be Gay Pride here in Portland. Where will I be? In my office. Working. Hiding.
    Ryan, you DO have a great open feeling heart and I would not ask you to change, but you should know you can't take everyone's aches and pains on your shoulders.

    Now. Enuff of that ... we need more pics of you and Kadin together! (not naughty ones)


  4. ryan field Says:

    I agree with your comments about labels. I hate them.

    Maybe your friend is not taking enough chances? Or he's thinking too much? I just turned 40 and I'm having a blast, with younger guys and older guys:) Sometimes you just have to jump into the pool no matter how cold the water is.


  5. xabi Says:

    you know what? if there is a community that works so, then I'd say them: go to hell. Your friend have much having your friendship, Ryan, and he must be bold and look for what he likes and loves, if people think he is old, they are bullshit. I am tired and bored about sterotypes of any kind, every person deserves to be happy, and every person is precious. If there is a community with such prejudices, they don't deserve to be loved, they are hate in a subtle way. And you, you have so a wonderful heart!!!


  6. Panhandle Bob Says:

    What's that line from that Harvey Danger song: "If you're bored then your boring." Look, we all like younger guys - mostly because we still see ourselves as young, but also because they're generally more fit and "sharp" (and less hairy). And it's true, young gay guys typically don't even give older guys the time of day. Well, okay.

    I've just started going out again after a period of...let's say "social inactivity." Not to brag - believe me here, but I'm 55 and I find that I have all kinds of guys chasing me - my age, older *and* younger. And it's not that I'm such a buff hottie, either. Far from it. I just love life. I love to laugh. I don't hit on everybody in the bar, and I do NOT act "needy" or desperate for love because I'm not. I just enjoy myself and I try to make those around me enjoy themselves too. And it shows. It's attractive, I guess...sexy...I don't know.

    Would I want to find that "special someone" to settle down with? Well, yes. And no. I live alone but I'm not lonely. I love my friends, but I don't *need* anyone to love me back. Love is a verb, remember.

    People like and are drawn to other people who are alive! Your friend (you did not say how old he is or describe him in any way) needs to be in-shape and well-adjusted. Meaning he has to like himself and his little world. He has to be the type of person that others like to be around...and then he has to be around them. Love will find him sooner or later.

    But if he has some unrealistic goals of snagging some 24-25 y/o hottie for an LTR, well, face it, it probably ain't gonna happen.

    You're a good friend to this man, Ryan. He probably has a lot to offer someone else. So as a friend, advise him to get out there and put himself on the line! He won't find a boyfriend sitting home on Facebook or gay.com after work every night.


  7. tman Says:

    You have a good heart, kid, but, I already knew that!! There is a funny thing that happens as you get older... at least, it's happened to me... You learn to be comfortable in your own skin... When I was younger, I was always on he prowl, for young, hot looking guys... most of the time, they were little more than fantasy figures in my vivid imagination... kind of like candy... The ones that became important to me, were of a much different sort... I can't really think of one that I didn't consider to be 'hot', but, looking back, that's really not what drew us to each other... Once we fell in love, they looked 'hotter' to me, every day...
    Nowadays, I'm single, sort of... There are people in my life that still 'qualify' the same as back then, only, I guess I'm more selective... Even tho, some of them are still hormonally 'driven', and would probably be great in bed, I mostly don't go there... I don't want a guy, only so I can bed him, or fell less lonely...I don't need that for my ego... The truth of the matter is that I'm really not lonely... If you asked me when I was 25, if I would be lonely at 55 without a mate, I would have said YES !! Now, I'm more content to enjoy the company of good friends, and patiently wait... I haven't given up on love- I never will... But, now, it means more to find a soul mate, whether he's young, old, hot, or not!!! lol luv, tman<3


  8. jimm Says:

    Geez Ryan, what you wrote, it jus crushed me.

    Do you know how many fights i got into becuz i wore hearing aids as a kid? I'm not sure anybody really gives a flying fuck!?! Huh???

    All the prejudice i faced back then, and now?

    And all the mental anguish that ripped my soul apart??? Destroyed my self-worth???

    And yet, after all these years, i keep trying to measure up to everyone else. Isn't that stupid?

    I'd love to stand naked at your beach, but i think time has passed me bye.

    luvya Ry, jus frustrated.


  9. Alvaro Says:

    You are an amazing person! Caring about other people... WOW, there are so many people out there who just won't try to believe they're not alone in this world. You amaze me everytime I read you! Wish I had a friend like you.


  10. Alvaro Says:

    I'd like to share a bit of my story. Back in school, life was hurtful and it really sucked. I just had a nice male friend and a couple of female friends who always stood up for me. I never got along with guys, since they all talked about GIRLS all the time. Since then, it has always been hard for me to get along with other guys. Still, I'm trying my best and now that I've grown, well, things seems to change.. still, I don't seem to get along with guys who would actually get interested in dating me (gays). IT's been quite funny, and I just can laugh at it, but still, there are some nights that I just feel lonely... wish I had friends who cared and kept me company!


  11. you really own a great heart, but we all knew this already :-)