Am I Ready

Last week Kadin and I got into this big fight to the point where it got pretty heated and a lot of yelling back and forth. Now some people would say couples do this all the time but you have to understand we never have got into a fight like this. We've had disagreements in the pass but nothing as bad as this all the telling and sleeping in different rooms just killed me inside.

I know your asking what could have been so bad that it ended up into this big fight. Well with Kadin's ok he said I could post about it cause he wanted to see what everyone else thought. So please give us your thoughts on this don't matter who you side with I'm not going to come down on you or anything like that just need your thoughts.

Kadin has these friends there lesbians now there no problem there cause there good people and I like them also and they have always treated me good. The problem is they came over and they wanted to know if we could work together for making kids? I was like what do you mean? They said they would both get pregnant with mine and Kadins sperm but they wouldn't tell us who used who's.

They also said that they would give us one baby and they would keep one but didn't want the kids to know who the other parent was. Like if whatever baby we got wouldn't know that one of these girls was there mom or theres wouldn't know if me or Kadin was the dad. I had a problem with this I didn't think it was right that the kids should know and the kids should be treated like siblings.

They are totally against this and said they wouldn't go through with it unless we agree. Kadin wants a baby really bad and I told him I would want to know who's sperm was used and I would want the baby to know who there mom was. And if I'm being honest I'm not sure I want to raise a kid now I did want to a few years ago but now I'm not sure. Well Kadin got pissed at me and we fought over this and still haven't come to a conclusion yet.

I know this weekend the girls are coming over for dinner and were going to discuss it more. I think this is good maybe they had time to think on it. Kadin is worried cause he thinks they will change there mind and pick another couple to do. I told him I would want to know what one is mine just incase of health issues and I don't see why we can't raise one and they raise one but we be in each other lives. Am I wrong?
29 Responses
  1. Bret Says:

    I would feel the same way wanting to know which kid was which. I also believe that they should be in each others lives. I would want to be able to see them also.

    I just don't think I could do that unless I could be involved in there lives.

    Just my thoughts.


  2. Gerry Kelly Says:

    My 73 year old opinion is that kids have a right to know who the father and mother is (no matter what).

    1. Very important for health reasons in later life.

    2. A Child will always want to know who their parents are and even in today's world with lots of gays wanting and raising children, they still will be living in a majority straight world and since he still takes an egg(woman) and sperm(man) it still a straight birth situation and the kid has a right to know!

    Answer this question:Do you have right to know who your parents were? Even adopted kids are now seeking this information..SO BE FARE TO THE CHILD. OTHERWISE, IN MY OPINION, IT IS JUST PURE SELFISHNESS.

    And always see a lawyer before doing anything you may regret later!!!!!


  3. ryan field Says:

    Hard to offer advice on this one. Everyone's different and everyone has different feelings about it.

    I never wanted kids. I just wasn't something I ever wanted to do. But I do think that if I did want kids I'd probably try to adopt first.

    But this is really different for everyone...it's a personal thing you really have to talk over and think through with your partner. And you also have to get all the legal aspects in order as well. It can become very complicated.

    One thing for sure, with a decision like this, I wouldn't let anyone ever pressure me. If this lesbian couple find someone else, and if they are in that much of a rush, then I would worry about their concept of what bringing kids into this world is all about. In other words, it shouldn't be that easy to just go out and find people to have babies with. This really is serious and not something that should ever be rushed into.


  4. Damien Says:

    My take on this is that siblings should always know that they have siblings. Even though I do not like my brother, I am comforted by the fact that I have a sibling. So I'm going to side with you on that.

    As far as them not knowing who the mom/dad is, if that is what the mothers want for their child, that is fine but I do not think it is right for them to dictate how you raise your child. You could always let their child know whom their father is when he/she turns legal age. I'm not taking a side on this one, just offering my opinion.

    In the end though, I do not think it is worth fighting over. I think you and Kadin are too young to start raising children, I think I'm too young and I am older than both of you so please do not take offense to that statement. If these girls choose another couple to act as surrogates, then so be it. You and Kadin have plenty of time and I'm sure you will be able to find another surrogate.

    In the meantime, I could come live with yall and be your practice kid! lol


  5. Ric/Teddytoy Says:

    Ryan... there are as always 2 sides to every discussion ... the point for kids not knowing is that it is less confusing for them while they are younger. They have one set of parents that are raising them and they are the ones that love and care for them. This however usually ends when the child starts to question who their birth parents are or if a legal need arises.
    The point for them knowing is one you raised which is very valid is incase of health needs. With your health needs and the histories of the other three being known could save a life. Also as they get older they will want to know who their birth parents are. It's a matter of a form of security to them at that time. Look at the shows on TV where a child spends years and lots of money looking for a parent.
    Lastly, if you do decide to go ahead with this .. you should contact a lawyer to draw up an agreement with all terms and variables spelled out now so there will be fewer problems later. Also, conception is a hit or miss thing. One child could be conceived right away and the other may take years. There is no guarantee that the kids would be born close in time. Also if one donor's sperm didn't catch they would need to know which one it was to try again.
    Another thing to ask yourselves... are you ready to devote the rest of your life to a child. It is a full time job with no time off ever. Someone has to be with a child at all times for at least 16 years. That is a lot of responsibility. If you both are ready to commit to that ... then go for it.


  6. Alex Says:

    I agree with Gerry. This has bad news written all over it.

    First of all, it sounds like you're being forced into something you don't really want, or at least not right now. That's reason enough to think twice about it.

    Second, as Gerry says, there's a good chance these kids will eventually want to know who their birth father or mother is. When they find out, and discover that 1) they have a brother or sister that they never knew about, and 2) that they've KNOWN their brother or sister their entire life (assuming you and the lesbian couple remain friends), and 3) that aunt so-and-so (assuming you and the lesbian couple remain friends) is their actual mother, they will HATE you for it. They will feel completely BETRAYED, as they will have every right to do.

    I think this situation is dicey under any circumstances. If you and Kadin stop being friends with the lesbian couple for whatever reason, you'll have a child out there who you'll never get to see again. Do you want to be in that situation?

    Also, these women seem very controlling. THEY will know which child belongs to which father, but YOU won't. How is that fair?

    Sorry for the long post, but this has trouble written all over it. I would def say no.


  7. Aaron Says:

    The children will ask who their "Mommy" is and you will have to prepare for an answer.

    If you tell'em they're adopted, they may want to know. I do believe they have a right to know if that's what THEY want.

    I think the compromise could be that they will be raised separately and not know the history until they decide if that's information they want to know.

    Best of both worlds.


  8. naturgesetz Says:

    To answer your question, I agree with you. Children have a right to know who their parents are when the parents are in their lives. I can see why they'd want to be able to pretend that they all were the mother and that you both were the father, so that all of you would be equally concerned for both children, but it's basically dishonest. Besides, the women will know which child is whose. They'll know whose child they are raising, and they'll know whose child you're raising. Why shouldn't you guys know the same thing about the fathers. I hope Kadin can see this. And what happens if either of them has twins?

    Another thing to think about is that there could be enough of a resemblance between parent and child that it would become obvious anyway.

    Does Florida allow for same-sex couples to adopt? If not, how would giving you guys one of the babies be handled? Would the child know that one of you is the biological father, or would you lie and tell the child that the father is someone you don't know?

    If you could adopt one of the children, why don't both couples just adopt a child who is already born and needs a home or from an already pregnant woman who can't raise it and wants to give it up for adoption at birth?


  9. surakmn Says:

    Ryan, I think your concerns are well founded and that the others, frankly, are being a bit naive...the type of thinking that leads some conservative douchebags to accuse gays of viewing parenting like owning a puppy.

    1. Get a lawyer. Do nothing without having everything settled and defined in advance. Yes it'll piss people off but you are protecting your future a and the future of your children.

    2. Kids want to know their parents. It's about them not the wants of the adults.

    3. Knowing your genetic history matters, especially as health care continues to advance. It's true many adopted kids don't have this but to go in planning to keep it off the table seems short sighted.

    4. It's fine that Kadin wants a baby, and it would be great for each of you to have a biological heir, but of you are in it together for the long haul you BOTH need to be ready. You are very young, There is no reason you have to do it right now.

    5. Not being ready now is not the same as not wanting children ever. Both are possible, be honest with Kadin about where you're at.

    6. Look at what is going on here. How do these people resolve differences, react to disappointment, etc. If it turned into a screaming fight you really need to evaluate whether you want to be raising kids with them. They can be friends and perfectly fine people ,that doesn't mean you want to be stuck with them for the next twenty years. Because parenting goes on a long long time.


  10. Doug Says:

    I would definitely be on your side Ryan. It would be unfair to the kids not to know who their real parents were. The kids would need to know the medical histories, etc.

    I do commend Kadin for wanting to have a child. It is a wonderful thing being a parent. I hope he gets the chance someday.

    With any couple, whether straight or gay, both partners have to be ready to have a child. I think you and Kadin should sit down and talk about it.

    There is a better way to have children. I would definitely find some other woman who is more mature to have one with. The way those two women approached you just gives me a bad feeling.


  11. Austin Says:

    The legal issues aside (and if you're still in FL, you -really- need to work those out) and the psychological issues for the kids aside (which others have said very well; I'm on the side of being above-board about everything), I'm mostly concerned that you guys want a child but have different expectations and timelines for it.

    You two - independent of your friends, or us, or anyone else - need to talk about it and come to an agreement on time and method and responsibilities. If you get pushed into something you're not ready for, it'll just build resentment and destroy the relationship. Likewise, if this is something that he is really needing and it doesn't happen, that can cause similar problems.

    This isn't always a rational topic; there's a lot of emotion that plays into it. But you two need to come to an understanding, and having pressure on you from an outside source isn't going to help that happen - it just makes it worse.


  12. Anonymous Says:

    Ryan first and Foremost come up with a binding legal agreement with a lawyer. Make sure the girls are represented as well so no one can try and fight this later. Make a binding agreement for whatever you all decide. as for you vs the others, you are the side without a question I am on! The history should be known there is no reason for it not to be!


  13. Anonymous Says:

    Lots of good advice here. I would ask one questions- Do you want to lye to and mislead your child beginning on the day he/she was born? Think about it.


  14. Jason K Says:

    I don't know if I can say much more than what's already been said Ryan. Raising a child is a big responsiblilty and definitely not something to rush into.

    To be honest, this plan sounds kinda screwed up to me. It may work when the kids are young but as they get older it's only natural they are going to want to know who their biological parents are & ask questions that you are going to have to answer plus it's not fair that the mother's know which kid is which but the father's do not.

    If you & Kadin really want a child, I think it would be better to find one women that is willing to carry it and decide between the two of you who will donate the sperm and both of you love it and raise it as your own...that's just my opinion Ryan.

    If you & Kadin do decide to go through with this, I think both parties should know who the father & mother of each child is...both for health reasons and the child's and your piece of mind too because I sure it will always be in the back of you mind somewhere wondering if you are the father or not.

    There are so many thing to take into account such as what if one child is born with a handicap or is disabled in some way...if you do decided to do this you need to see a lawyer first and have all the possibility's covered and everything in black & white so you both know what will happen in any outcome.

    I'm not trying to scare you or anything Ryan...just want you to take everything into account before you make a decision. Whatever you decide, I wish you & kadin all the happiness in the world.


  15. Lucy/Kat Says:

    My personal opinion is that the kids should know their father and also their sibling. You see health reasons are one major thing. and many other personal reasons that I feel like that and it's just that I feel that the father should be in the child's life and I also think that the mother should as well. I also think that no matter what that the children need to know that they have siblings or a sibling. Sometimes there are issues later on in life. So my opinion is that the kids need to KNOW and the father should be in the child's life and everything.

    Sorry my views and my opinion and that may hurt but, it's what I think.


  16. I don't have to add something new, simply agree with Gerry and Joe.


  17. Anonymous Says:

    Hi Ryan, there are so many thoughtful and right answers to your question, that I don't feel like adding one more. Just congratulations, that you have so many reasonable people around you!

    But one more - quite personal - issue to think about: With your history of health problems, maybe you should check and consider, whether it's wise to pass your genes to a child at all. I have no clue, if there is any risk for the child. But just in case it is, you pass a quite big burden. And you know yourself, how it feels like.

    I am very sorry, I don't want to hurt your feelings in any way! But regarding to this discussion going on with the lesbians, the whole idea seems to me a bit selfish. Everyone claims the right to raise children; but are the children really in the centre of due consideration? In many cases it seems to be mainly about our own wishes and dreams.

    A friend of mine with severe genetical health issues has solved this problem once and for all to make shure he will never get any own children. He even risked the new relationship with his girlfriend because of that. Maybe it was a quite radical decision, but it was his way to deal with the deep responsibility he felt in this matter. And I feel deep respect for this selfless act. (Without suggesting it at all!) But it should be about the children first.

    With love,
    Simon


  18. Jay M. Says:

    A very complex question. What they're asking for is sperm donation and to act as a surrogate for you and Kadin. This is a legal morass on top of the moral so if you decide to do it, you need to find a top lawyer to make sure it's all handled legally.

    So to the two sides...I tend to agree that there aren't too many good reasons why the kids shouldn't know and be raised "together". I think the problem is you can't have anonymity in such an intimate relationship - the "secret" will come out sooner or later, and then there could be hurt feelings in the kids.

    There's a lot of opinions here, I hope they make it easier to decide.

    Peace <3
    Jay


  19. I really don't wanted to say much, but how knows someone here something about Ryan's bad genes? At least I don't. Usually I try not to judge other comments, but that was a wee bit too unnecessary (trying to stay polite).


  20. P Says:

    I think you are all wrong.

    I don't see a problem with gay couples adopting a child under certain circumstances but bringing a child into the world in a same sex relationship is wrong on so many levels.

    Stop bickering about your own feelings and wants and consider the child and the problems he/she will have growing up and going to school.

    I am bisexual but would never even consider having a child if I was in a same sex relationship.

    The child will be at a disadvantage right from the start and may even grow to resent you.

    I don't know your ages but there seems to be a lack of maturity involving all parties. Get yourself a barbie doll or a puppy because your relationship doesn't seem that stable.

    If you are irresponsible enough to take this action then I would agree with you that it is the childs right to know who his biological parents are.

    I'm not homophobic in any shape or form but this makes me physically ill to think the four of you are even considering it.

    Your actions are selfish in the extreme and pray you don't go through with such an immoral act.

    Perhaps I'm being old fashioned but I consider myself broad-minded yet this whole topic I find unpalatable in the extreme.

    Soryy if this offends but you asked for opinions and I'm afraid that is mine. Don't do it!


  21. jimm Says:

    Well guys, find out what you do agree on, then move forward.

    Also, put yourself in the kids shoes.

    My biggest worry is, what happens if one couple splits up?

    This issue is too important to have heated arguments over. As I said, you need to find your common ground first, then go from there.

    And Ryan, the fact that Kadin wants to share a child with you, that is pretty dam special !!!


  22. elise Says:

    Ryan---I agree with Gerry, and especially that you MUST talk to a lawyer before doing anything.

    And your health history is an important factor, as tough as that may be to hear.

    Whatever you decide, please let it be a decision that you and Kadin totally agree on together.

    I'm wondering what your mom's opinion is. I know you trust her judgment, and she may have some good advice for you to consider!


  23. Anonymous Says:

    i agree with u ryan, but i can understand kadins point too.


  24. lauradeth Says:

    I think you should know who's the father and mother and seeing as Kadin seems more comfortable with all this, his baby can stay with them and you have yours but with children it's a difficult and touchy subject.

    Maybe you both could know who's who but as not to confuse the kids, you and Kadin could be daddies to one baby and the girls mommies to the other and when their older enough to understand explain the situation to them.

    I agree that it's important that they grow up knowing all four of you and the other child.

    My cousin's husbands sister and partner went through a similar situation where in the end, her partner ended up adopting the baby so that she had legal rights as a parent.

    I think it takes more than a week to discuss something like this, I'd give it another few months or longer so you're secure in your decision because in the end the kids are the ones who'll be stuck in the middle.

    Good luck with whatever you decide. If it's any help his sister and partner and the other (male) gay couple are perfectly happy and the twins are now 4 years old.


  25. jimm Says:

    Maybe you guys should get married first.


  26. Anonymous Says:

    wait until you both are over 21 to be fathers..no matter where the children come from...its only reasonable..maturity helps and it takes a lot to gain it..


  27. Eric Says:

    Ryan...totally up to you guys of course but I can offer my opinion. I have two sons (grown) from my dissolved marriage and love them deeply. We are very close and they mean the world to me. I would not hesitate for one second to give up my life for either of them.

    That being said, the biological father or mother part means little to me. There are tons of lousy parents who had kids (not too hard to have sex and procreate), and are terrible or absent parents. Many adoptive parents are the best in the world and love their children like they were their own blood.

    What you do for you kids is what matters. Are you there for them? Do you care about them and will you forever? When they get older and become adults they are still your kids and you should be prepared for that. It is a huge sacrifice but I would not trade my sons for anything. I think you guys discuss it and decide and hopefully you have already.

    As for giving your sperm for another, that again is your choice. I have no opinion on that at all.

    As for gay vs. straight couples raising kids, it does not matter a bit. What is important is to have two loving parents who are there for their kids and who love them no matter what. The sex of the parents is irrelevant.


  28. Just here to say I love your comment Eric!


  29. Eric Says:

    Thanks Martin!