What it Did to Me

I had this boyfriend back in school I've talked about him a little not much main reason is what he did to me and I wanted to forget him but every now and then he pops up in my head. See back in school I got picked on a lot and most of you know that cause I've wrote about it before. This one kid was always nice to me and in time we ended up dating even though it was a secret cause of school I was totally happy I had a boyfriend and some one to call mine.

Little did I know what self esteem I had left he would crush it. See he never physically hit me well he did once but his ammo was beating me down with words. I was so in love with him that I didn't care I took it just to hear him say after I gave him what he wanted that he loved me. I knew deep down that he didn't and it was all about him getting off but I was young and was needing someone in my life so I took all the mental abuse he gave me and after a while I got to feeling what he was saying was true.

I finally ended it with him when I caught him hurting my dog. I knew then that it was just a matter of time before he would do that to me. He had hit me once in the past when I didn't do what he wanted I should have know then but I was blinded by what I thought was love. I lied to my parents for him so they wouldn't find out how I got the black eye. It took me a long time to see what he was doing to me and sometimes I think about it and the things he said and sometimes it still hurts and I think was he right?

8 Responses
  1. Jay Ross Says:

    Ryan, mental abuse is the worst. I've experienced this and some of it has been with me most of my life and hurts to this day. I try to ignore it, but it seems to pop-up with out warning.

    Good luck and he wasn't right.


  2. mary gresham Says:

    Oh god baby, NO, he wasn't right, whatever it was he said to you. This brought tears to my eyes, know this person you cared about made you feel less than you are. You are a beautiful, caring person, both inside and out and I love every little piece of you that you share with us. You are perfect just the way you are and don't believe anyone who says different.
    Ryan, if you only knew just how much we truly admire you. The only way we can express it is to write about it. Hopefully we can meet as planned in November and I can show you in another way.
    Baby, I too had an abusive relationship, unfortunately I didn't find out until after I married him when I was 17. But, I wasn't raised in a home where fists were used, nor were hateful words. So I knew I didn't have to take it. Mike and I fought, but he had never hit me, but it finally happened. He slapped me, not even in the face, but on my arm. It didn't hurt, but I didn't wait for more. I was barely 18, but I knew I didn't have to take it. I told him to leave and, as we were living with my parents, he did. Our marriage of a year was over and I never regretted it, it also brought me Randy, my wonderful husband of almost 28 years, well, we've been together almost 28 years, married for almost 27.
    Ryan, love you babe, don't ever give up and know this, which I've told you before, if you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask. If you need to talk, I will always be here. You're stuck with me babe, so deal, lol.

  3. Ric/Teddytoy Says:

    HIs comments were only to try to Control you and make him feel better about himself. He sounds like he really needs mental help before he really hurts someone.
    You were very smart in getting out of that relationship when you did.
    Love NEVER involves any kind of hurt.. in actions or words. You are a very strong young man who has had ups and downs and has grown from all of them. Keep moving forward and forget about his words.

  4. elise Says:

    Dear Ryan----You KNOW that bully was wrong. 100 %. True love can never be real if it includes abuse of any kind. Stay strong and shove those bad memories into the past where they belong.

    big hugzzzzz

  5. jimm Says:

    I think about what my bullies did and said, too. But that's my motivation. It drives me to prove them wrong.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    I truly hope that at this point in your life, after some very relationships that weren't one-sided or abusive, you realize that you aren't a bad person in any way at all. You've come through a lot, and I am sure it does hurt when these memories come back to the surface. I know my bad memories pop up when I least expect it. It's easy to fall into the trap of an abuser, but you're out of that trap (unless there's a lot you're not telling us), and I hope that in time, the bad memories will fade as newer, much happier memories take their place.

    Peace <3

  7. ryan field Says:

    Sounds like this guy had some serious issues. And sometimes we have to learn the hard way. But it makes us stronger.

  8. naturgesetz Says:

    Ryan, you know who you are, and what somebody said to you years ago when you were in school doesn't change who you are.

    Hang in there.