Okay I'm going to be totally honest about something and the reason I'm
going to talk about this is I want your thoughts on it. As many of you know
Riley and I broke up about a month ago well we kinda got back together but
already having some issues, Now the reason we broke up is he cheated I know yall
thinking well Ryan your just a big flirt yourself. This is true but I never
cheated on him I have in the past with an ex and had it done to me many
times.
When we started dating we laid out what we expected from each other and if
we could both agree to these rules then we would give it a try and we did. Then
he cheated and then he lied about it and I caught him up in it and I did what I
thought was right and I kicked his ass out. Well a little time had passed and we
ran into each other and I found myself still in lobe with him and wanting to be
with him. First I thought it was maybe just wanting his sex again but it was
more than that.
Well here we are back together and I told him that he broke the trust and
it would take a long time to earn it back he said he understands. I told him
things would be different and his leash would be so short and if he couldn't
agree to that then we should just stay apart well he agree to everything said he
wanted to be with me and would do what every it takes to prove this to me. I was
like good and it made me happy that he wants to be with me,
Heres the issue I want to trust him but I can't I just got this feeling
that he will mess up again and break my heart again. This Friday he wants to go
out with some friends he works with to do all things go skating something he
knows I'm not into and I don't know whats with me but I told him I have an issue
with this first off he knew about 4 days ago they were planning this but he just
now told me. Second off there a couple gay guys going and the one I don't like
and don't trust at all.
I hate being a jealous person but after all I been through it's hard not to
be. A few people I talked with said this could be a big issue for us something
we might be able to work through. Me personally I have a few friends and yall
but don't need that friendship that most think they need and Riley is one of
those people. So I want to know what yall think and please be honest no matter
what you think I need input on this topic.
Thanks & Hugs
Hey Ryan,
I can totally understand how you are feeling and thinking, I would be exactly the same, I hate jealousy and feeling jealous, but it's the way I am and it can't be helped. It's something that you can't stop yourself from feeling, especially if there are trust issues.
I'm afraid you don't have many options tho, if you stop him from going, or have a fight about it, it is going to be bad for you guys anyway. What's the point in re-starting your relationship at odds already? It's going to be so hard, but you have to give him some slack to prove himself, and he is going to prove himself, one way or the other. He will either prove that you can trust him, or you can't, but only time will tell and you are going to have to be patient if you want this has got any chance of working out.
If you don't feel you can live like this, worrying about who is he with when he is out with friends, and what he is doing, then that isn't good for you, and it is no way to have a healthy relationship that you will be happy in.
Sometimes we love the wrong people, we can't help that, but we have to do whats best for ourselves, for our state of mind and our heart and happiness. You can either take the risk and try to trust, and put that trust to the test, or
you should just call it quits now, cos it will be less hurtful in the long run IF things screw up. It's the risks we all take when we choose to get involved in a relationship and we often get hurt, but we can sometimes work it out and get it right too.
Any time you get into a relationship, you take risks. The risk of being hurt. The risk of being loved. (Not all risks are bad.) I guess I've just got too much time on my hands, but I read a fair number of advice columns, and a continuing theme is cheating in a relationship. It seems that once a cheater, always a cheater. But I don't know. You're both young (him younger than you), and therefore just learning about relationships and how to nurture and cherish them, and how to protect them from harm.
Another part of this, is can Riley go out and do things without you? Here's a story...my sister in law was complaining to my mother that my brother went out with his friends one night a week and played basketball. Mom told her to get her own life! Find something else to do so she wasn't sitting at home pining about the "missing hubby". She did, they've been together 25 years now. So there are alternatives to worrying about what the other guy is doing, or who he's with.
So there you go, two oddball things that might or might not help you out. Only you know what is in your heart. Only you know if you can allow Riley to still be himself while being with you. Trust is a funny thing. It is elastic. You have to let him pull to prove he's trustworthy. But if you're going to be paranoid about what he's doing whenever he's not in your sight, then I'd say let him go because he sure as heck won't be happy, and I doubt you would be, either.
Peace <3
Jay
Instead of just saying yes or no, can you talk to him about this guy you don't like and trust? If you can be really frank with each other (which is how you should be anyway) it may help you come to a decision you both are comfortable with. Maybe he'll decide it isn't worth it, or maybe you'll decide you can trust him in the group. Either way would be better than you saying no and him resenting it, or you saying yes and worrying yourself sick with suspicion.
we need to talk...
that is all i'm going to
say...
HUGS!
Mom...
First of all, Ryan, you have to know that guys are scum. They'll cheat, period. Guys always want what they don't/can't have. It's very tough for guys in general to be faithful - and EXTRA tough for gay guys! Monogamy doesn't seem to be in our nature. Gay guys fall into sex WAAAAAYYYY too easily.
So...easy solution: Don't fret about it! Hey, you don't own Riley and you can't control what he's going to do. So don't try. Just understand that he is GOING to cheat on you. Is that such a big deal?
If absolute total unwavering monogamy is important to you, you're in the wrong business. Without a ring on your finger you simply cannot expect it.
Does this all sound defeatist and negative? Probably so. But it is what it is. I know the thought of "sharing" Riley with anyone else is pretty dang painful. But honestly, you don't own him.
I have been with my partner/husband for twenty years, and each year has been a learning experience and we've both grown. We both still get jealous, but that's only normal. All I can say is that sometimes you have to lighten up a little :) I'll be honest about one thing. In the beginning of a relationship I don't get this need to go out without your partner. That's the time when you're still going hot and heavy and you shouldn't want to be doing anything with anyone else. So maybe there is a flaw in this relationship. I don't know for certain. Even after twenty years I don't like doing things without Tony.