Wow Christmas is over with and a New Year right in front of us. There is some changes coming for ahead for me and my family I see them and will deal with them as they come. I see me finally having to be an adult and do adult things as much as I'm going to hate it. I also know I'm going to have to change the way I live and somehow teach Tyler how that works also but I think he may have got it cause we talked over the weekend and he wants to look for a part time job to help so maybe he gets it better than me.
We had a good Christmas it's mainly about Tyler and my sister. Yeah I have a sister for those that don't know I don't talk about her much on her because of her age and her privacy. I didn't talk about Tyler much until he decided he wanted to blog he had his own blog for a while and decided he didn't like it much. But that open up me talking about him more openly on here. But all in all we had a good Christmas Mom & Dad was here with us but not at the same time I think they did run into each other once but they were nice to each other.
I got some clothes and gift cards yeah I know me getting clothes funny right? The boy who is naked most the time. But I needed some for work that's what I ask for so it was all good. I need to make a statement here cause people don't seem to get it or understand it. I do not have a cell phone! I use to I didn't pay the bill dad did but he told us if we wanted one we had to pay for it and I was like fine we wont have one. Well Tyler went 3 days without then started bitching so I went and got him one.
I was going to get me one but the one I wanted they didn't have in stock said it would be 3 weeks before they got it in well it was over a month and when they called I told them sell it to someone else I changed my mind. I went a month without a cell phone and it didn't bother like I thought it would now its been almost 4 months and still don't miss it. If I need to make a call or something I use Tyler's of Kadin's I made it crystal clear to everyone I didn't want a phone for Christmas if I got one I would take it back.
I understand that cell phones are good thing to have sometimes. I was married to mine that I find now was a bad thing. I sit and watch Tyler with his and when we go out to eat hell a family can't sit and talk to each other because they are on there cell phones texting or facebooking or looking at websites. That was me I was just as bad as the rest or the people but now I cut the stings I'm good and don't miss it. So for those that ask and then think I'm crazy I don't have a cell phone so no need to ask for the digits and if I did I wouldn't text you anyway I hate that more than anything!
"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"
For those of you that haven't guessed I'm a mommy's boy and damn proud of it. That also means I'm a grandma's boy also. I have a grandma here in America and one in England I love both of them very much but of course I was closer to the one here in America cause I seen her more than the one in England.
Christmas 2008 was a normal Christmas it was my first Christmas in my own house so I had everyone come to my place for the holiday. I even had my grandma come down from Ohio something she didn't do much leave Ohio at Christmas. I think growing up she came to Georgia once at Christmas.
So here coming to my house for Christmas was a gift in itself to be honest. She came down stayed a week with us we baked we cook we sang had a wonderful time. I was about the happiest boy that December that any boy could be. Christmas morning came when we woke up she was already up had coffee and hot coco made. We did as everyone else rip through the gifts laugh and had a good morning.
I didn't know that would be my last Christmas with her I would have made it last as long as I could. See January 22, 2009 the good Lord called her home. She had a heart attack and they did everything they could but she was up there and age and it was her time I know that but I didn't make it back to tell her goodbye and to this day it still bothers me.
There is so much fiction in my family and it's just stupid shit really and she was kinda right in the middle. My mom side is a strange bunch of people white trash at its finest to be honest. She has brothers and sisters she hasn't spoke with in years and it has to do with me and my uncle and now my cousin being gay.
So I didn't get to go and visit her as much as I wanted but I knew she didn't care what I was I remember her telling me "Ryan love who make you happy and the hell with what people think" She would tell me "Be true to yourself, live a good life, try to do right and go easy on the bottle" things she told me I remember like she told me yesterday.
I miss her a lot think about her often. I wish I could have been there to say goodbye but something I have to live with and I'm trying. Thanks Kadin for helping me with this post I had to walk away many times just so many thoughts and tears come following back. Let me just say Merry Christmas Grandma Love and Miss You!
This was my Grandma favorite Christmas song hope Buck is singing it for you!
Got an email last week in the email I was ask if I didn't mind to write a post on my favorite Christmas. I wrote back the guy and told him I would write a post about a Christmas I remember a lot might not be my favorite but I remember it very well. So let's take a ride down memory lane when I was a small 14 year old boy shall we?
This was a sad and very strange Christmas this was the first Christmas after September 11th attacks. Dad was gone overseas doing whatever he does best for the government. So it ws the first time he was gone on the holiday so that made it strange. But Mom did her best to try to make it a good Christmas. I remember doing a lot of different things in the community to remember those who lost on that September day.
Funny thing was I don't remember what all I got for Christmas that year other than my Grandma got me my own computer for my room and I knew that was my way out to the world. Wasn't long after that I started blogging it was the gateway to porn for me I guess it was to me what playboy was to my Dad. All I know is I spent many hours locked in my room. lol
I remember my Dad even though he wasn't there still had gifts for me. Not sure if he got them before he left or had them sent I don't know all I know is one gift he gave me that pissed me off to know end. He got me a rifle yeah I know right it wasn't until he got back from overseas we talked and fought about it I told him I would never be the boy he wanted I wasn't going hunting and I wasn't going to shoot any animals.
I remember the fight like it was yesterday and I remember him saying he would take the damn guy back. I said no I will keep it he said for what? I said I was going to sell it omg he freak out said you not selling the gun I bought it just give it back I said you may have bought it but it was a gift to me its mine now and I'm gonna sell it. Course it made him so mad but ya know what he gave the money for the guy. I think I spent the money on clothes!
So I guess I remember that the most cause of the attacks and the gun I got that year and the computer from my Grandma. Not a great Christmas story it was a bad year for America I don't think many of us was happy that Christmas. Tomorrow or Wednesday I will do a post on my last Christmas with my Grandma it will take me some time to get through it cause it still rips me apart inside and it just flows out so I need to make sure Kadin is around to hold me.
I know of wrote about this before and will again I'm sure cause it just confuses the hell out of me. I'm talking about dreams it seems I have my far share of them and they seem to be crazy as hell too. I know people say if you eat before you go to bed that you will dream well that's not my case hell ya'll know I think food is overrated anyway. I wasn't drinking so rules that out also. So I don't know what sets my dreams off something does.
I know a lot of people can't remember what they dream or maybe only remember bits of it. Sometimes that's the case for me but most the time I can remember everything every little detail. Most the time it's something that has happen to me in the past but only difference is the outcome it totally different. Sometimes the outcome in my dream is better than it really happen sometimes it's worse.Ok so here it is last night I dreamed I was in 4th grade again with the same kids I grew up with that use to pick on me. The ones that made fun of my glasses my hearing aids that called me names. This is when I met my bff but before he came into my dream I was telling these people that I was no different than them all I wanted was to be loved and have some friends they told me that faggots don't have friends.
I remember telling them it wasn't nice to laugh at me make fun of me we were all the same. I remember this one kid Todd was his name punch me real hard my glasses fell over. The other kids laughing at me bent over from the pain. In walks my bff though I didn't know it at the time. He walked right up to Todd and punch him back.I remember him telling them if anyone messed with me again he would kick there ass. From that day on we were bff and still are to this day. Now here is where the dream comes in and confuses me. This all happen outside but in my dream this happen inside and when me and him walked outside there was like shooting rainbows in the sky almost like laser lights then this music was playing and we weren't kids but teenagers.
He looked at me and said Ryan someday everybody is going to love you and respect you. I said that will never happen he said yes it will but you have to change too. I said what do I need to change he said you know what you have to change. This is where it gets more confusing for me I don't know what that means is there something in my real life I need to change? Hell I don't know I'm so confused why do we dream? Damn!
This is kinda a follow up post from yesterday cause I got a few emails and I told the people to check here and I would address there issue. First off I know some of you are atheist and that's ok its your life and your choice and I for one will not try to change what you believe. In saying that please respect me when I say I do believe in God.
Now yesterday I did a post on adoption and I said I blame organize religion and I do. See there is a difference between religion and organize religion. I grew up as a member of a church my parents took me every week twice a week. To be honest I liked it and loved going but when I would hear the preacher preach about gay people going to hell and it was a sin and all that it confused me.I was told I was made in the image of God so how could my feelings be wrong. I had to look into this and I found a lot of info on how the bible here in America is wrong in many ways. How they taken some of the books of the bible out and don't use them at all. When I brought this up at my church (a southern baptist church) I was ask if I was gay and when I admitted it they call my parents in and wanted to ship me off to be de-gayed.
I did a post on that in the past so I don't need to really go into that. That's not what this post is about this post is about what I believe. I do believe in God and I do pray and I thank him for all that I have in my life. I just don't believe in organize religion and damn sure don't believe in the southern baptist to me there just a big cult. They use God and religion to scare people and to make people believe its ok to hate others.No I don't go to church as much as I should but then again I don't believe I have to either. As long as I live a good life try to help others and just be a generally good person than me and God are just fine. Don't get me wrong I like to go now and then to church but to a church that has open mind and a open heart. There's a couple different church's we go to one in Sarasota and the other Pinellas Park both wonderful places to get the spirit!
I hope this clears this issue up. All I know is I wear my cross with pride and will not deny him. If I am made fun of cause of this so be it. Me and Jesus are ok and he understand me and knows the way I feel.
Last night me & Kadin went over to some friends house for Christmas get together. They have know Kadin for a long time and I've come to like them a lot also. They are an older couple both in there late 40's now I'm not saying that's old just from my age there older is all so don't jump my ass ok!
Anyway we went over for a Christmas get together they had a veggie tray and a meat tray I won't even go into that and some wine. They had a fire going in the fireplace it was real nice they had there house all decorated for the holiday I was looking around seeing how happy they are and see me and Kadin years down the road being that happy.
We were talking and they said only thing they missed in life was having kids. They both wished they would have had kids. I said your both still young enough to adopt. Course first thing they said in Florida. I know it's hard but it's possible bet it even costs a lot but I thought it was getting easier. Maybe I'm wrong I know in some states its still banned.
Ok thinking about this since last night and it's got me a little worked up. They are gay couples out there that are willing to take these kids that need homes and need someone to love them and a state says no we cant have that. Really think about that the government would rather keep theses kids in whatever they keep them in and turn them out when there 18 angry and mad at the world and feel like nobody loves them.
But you have gay couples that would take theses children in love them and raised them as there own give them a good life and a good chance at being something. But no God forbid you stick theses kids with gay couple they may turn them gay! I just think about this and it really pisses me off. I blame organize religion for this I do and if it pisses some people off oh well deal with it.
For all you out there that are not gay listen up we as gays don't have magic powers or we don't have fairy dust that we sprinkle on you and make you gay ok. We are born gay and if a child is gay he was born that way ok no magical dust here ok. If your worried about us gays wanting to help theses kids then do something about it like I don't know adopt them give them a home. If you don't to them give us a chance to give theses kids a fighting chance!
Today's post is about Kadin so if you don't like the sappy stuff I say move on. I made a big mistake a few months ago and I thought I lost Kadin forever. Even after my mistake he was willing to be friends and I honestly didn't know if I could handle just being his friend. So we talked but didn't see each other that much I tried to move on and he did also but I know I couldn't all I did was think of him and how much I hurt him.
Then I got sick and when I woke up in the hospital sitting there holding my hand was Kadin. I knew then I had another chance. Kadin said to me I need to say something and now that your laying here you have no choice to listen so I did. He told me a lot of things and how what I did crush him. He also told me he wanted to try again he didn't want to throw 2 years away. I'm not going to go into the details of what we talked about and what we want and need out of each other.
I want to make a statement here for the world to see. Kadin, you are my life and my world and I will never hurt you again. You came back into my life as my lover and my best friend most people don't get a second chance and I have and I promise you right here and right now I am yours and yours only. Kadin, I love you more than I love life and yes I would give my life for yours anyday! Thank you Kadin for loving me!
For those that didn't see the weekend post I finally gave in and started another facebook page so if we were friends before send me a request!
Ok I lied said I wouldn't start another facebook but I did. lol Anyway the link is on the side. This time I'm gonna be more careful who I add. Today feeling better me and Mom going Christmas shopping should be fun. We decided to cut back this year on the gifts we shall see how that goes. Well Have a Great Saturday!
Yep finally home little chilly outside but I'm out of that hell! Gonna take it easy this weekend. Were gonna decorate this weekend I guess putting the tree up and all that stuff. I'm trying to get in the mood well everyone have a good weekend!
Ok this is what I have decided after sleeping on it last night talking to Kadin and your input. I decided no more facebook for me. If they decided to ever give me back my account then fine I may post on there again but if they don't that's fine also. I have to stick with what my thoughts tell me and they tell me fuck facebook and so be it that's the road I'm taking. I know I'm just a small mouse in there big world and to them they could give a shit careless if I facebook or not but least I will feel good about myself cause I'm not feeding the beast. So if you want to know what's going on with me and my life your gonna have to check here I may bet twitter back I had it once before maybe I'll do that I'll let you know.I want to send a few special hello's first off my boy Dakota my favorite Flamingo bartender and a good friend. Good luck with your new boy but let him know if he hurts your heart I'll be all over his ass and not in a good way! Second to Jon for coming back into my life. I've know Jon for a long time and a few years ago we had something go wrong in our friendship and neither of us today can remember what so see how small it had to be. This should be a lesson for everyone people come and go in out lives but the good people stick around or come back. Jon is a artist and a very good one at that hislink is on the side of my blog check his site and work out!
Last but not least really he is my fist Kadin! We started talking before I got sick but after I got sick and I was stuck in a hospital bed and couldn't get up and walk away when I didn't get my way I had to lay there and listen. This time I'm glad I had to cause I heard some things I needed to but was fighting to hear. After talking for hours and hours we both decided to give it one more try we both love each other and its hard just to throw a couple years away. I made a mistake it was all on me and I admit it Kadin has some rules as a couple I understand them now and I think us talking and laying some ground rules it will make us that much stronger. All I know is I love him more than I love life!!!So I'll leave you today with some Adam Lambert and hopefully I'll get to go home tomorrow! Oh can I ask a favor of you those that have facebook and thats how we became friends could you post on your wall that I won't be starting a new facebook account and if they want to keep follow me to come here to the blog thanks!
Later!
UPDATE: I got Twitter I'll try it for a while add me ryryt87
Question for Ya'll it's been 2 weeks since facebook fuck me without a kiss and no word from them so should I start a new account or say the hell with it?Talk to me tell me what you think? Later!
I am warning you if your a hunter and your a follower of my blog and don't want to get pissed at me then better leave now. Today I'm gonna be the angry American why? Because I can and because I'm laying here in this hospital bed with nothing else better to do than bitch about things. First thing let me say Sarah Palin your a bitch and I don't like you at all now got that off my chest I feel better. The TLC channel shame on you also you use to be one of my favorite channels but now yeah you suck too!
I'm sure ya'll heard about Sarah Palin's Alaska on TLC. I haven't watched it and won't but the other night the show featured a pretty graphic scene featuring the former vice presidential candidate shooting and killing a caribou. Later in the episode, the hunters cut up the caribou so they can transfer it back home and save it in the freezer. "When you see that you have a successful hit, it's a great feeling of accomplishment," Palin summarized.
Glad you feel good about your accomplishment there you stupid bitch! TLC shame on you for running the ad for her show over and over again that she was gonna shoot a helpless animal you should be proud on that you dumb fucks! I bet the people of Alaska are really proud that she is trying to be the spoke person for there state hell she couldn't even finish funning here governorship out without quitting. If I was from Alaska I would tell her to shut her fucking month.
Yeah I'm in a mood can't stand that bitch and now she did what she did on her show I really can't stand her. Just like when she was governor she allowed wolves to be hunted by helicopter what a cunt sorry I know that's a hard word but I can't think of any other word to call her. I say let's drop her in the middle of Alaska and hunt her down in helicopters see if she likes it. Oh don't forget she can see Russia from her front door whatever bitch get a life and get your daughter under control no wonder Levi didn't want to be around you crazy people.
I'm ok mad yeah pissed a little but I'm alive guess I should be happy over that. Thanks for the emails, comments I got them all and it means the world to me. Thanks Tyler for stepping in when your big bro was down for the count. I ask Tyler to join my blog after reading your comments I agree I'm thinking a monthly or more post from him would do this blog good. Facebook still not a word from them what been 2 weeks now I still say fuck you facebook and would say kiss my ass but my ass is too good for your sorry social network.
Still debating on to start another one and make it more private and personal than the other one really 5000 friends come on I said yes to anybody that ask and most ask only to add a number to there list. I just don't know if I want to give facebook my time and myspace is so teenager I don't like it either. That's enough for now if I get to worked up Kadin will take the laptop from me. I being told a few more and I may be able to go home if my numbers get up to a level that the doctor likes. Tyler thanks for keeping everyone updated Love Ya Bro!
Don't forget people please toys for tots in your area or click on the ad and donate if you can.Also they tell me its cold here and if its cold here I know in north has to be real cold I've seen the news with the snow so Please if you have old blankets or an extra 5 bucks stop and get a bag of dog or cat food and take it to your local shelters please!!! Later!
P.S. Jon I seen your logo on here you trying to get a hold of me? If so email me love to hear from you!
Things are about the same with Ryan he is breathing better and is a little more bitchy so I think that's a good sign. He asked me to check his emails beccause he was wondering if facebook emailed him but there was nothing. Somehow I think him worrying about that he took his mind off the prize and that's keeping himself well. I told him just to start another one and forget the old one if its that important to him. The doctors told him if things keep getting better he may be able to move to a normal room and will be able to have his laptop. Keeping everyone updated makes me miss my blog a little but not enough to do it again but miss it a little.
Ok heres a off the wall question since I'm blogging a little on Ryan's dime. Justin Bieber cute or not?
Don't forget it's 
